Word of the day: Inertia

In high school I loved physics class.
Physics is so dependable.

Do X and Y happens. ALL the time.
Did X.
Y happened.

There are reasons and laws and math and everything can be measured. And one of the most profound things I learned in Highschool physics was the idea of Inerita and Momentum.

A subject in motion wants to stay in motion unless acted on by other forces.
A subject at rest wants to stay at rest.

If you throw a ball and suddenly gravity goes away and the friction of air goes away that ball will fly in the same direction at the same speed forever. But air friction is an outside force slowing it down and gravity is an outside force changing its direction till the thrown ball arcs down and rests on the ground.  And if not picked up again that ball will sit there...forever.

Those laws of physics playout inside me.  When I finally get moving, I'm happy to be moving to be doing things, and then external forces start acting on me, slowing me down till I finally stop.

And when I stop I feel the fullness of Inertia. I am at rest I want to stay at rest.

Emotional Inertia is a subtle voice that tells me "no." "can't." "be still." "leave it for later." and inless I muster a force within, the inertia keeps me from motion.

My Emotiona Inertia isn't like the "not good enough" noise.  It carries no judgement. and I think it may have developed to keep me safe from the swift terrifying gales of anxiety that hit me. If I'm still. If I am not moved then nothing bad can happen.  Inertia + Anxiety is good and safe.

But when I am depressed this same emotional Inertia makes it too easy to withdraw from life and loved ones. I sit alone instead of with my husband. I stay quiet instead of sharing my thoughts. Inertia makes it easy to cut myself off from contact. Because a body at rest wants to stay at rest.

My emotional inertia need me to generate a lot of force to do something when I'm depressed. But if I can get moving then I start feeling a little happier. Doing something productive, doing a little exercise, cleaing a cluttered corner gives me a little perk to fend off the darkness and there is a big difference between being at a happy tired rest and being at a Im not moving today rest.

Since Inertia isn't a tool of depression to hurt me but rather a defense against the anxiety that accompanies my Depression I don't need to be wary of my Inertia, I just need to be aware of it. I need to acknowledge it and even be grateful for it, because its physics, its constant and its natural.

The next time I feel the weight of inertia I need to tell myself, that I'm ok. I'm not anxious right now. I don't need the Inertia to keep myself still.  Then it won't take such energy to get up and do something.

Nursing a cat

Basil howled a little today while Michael held him for me to clean his sores and put salve on them. Dalys said sadly that his howl broke her heart. It broke mine too. She asked me how I could do it. I know that cleaning his wounds and putting salve on them will make him feel better. I love him.  When you love someone -even a cat- you can do things you never thought you'd do.

So for as long as he has it in him, I'm a cat nurse.
Yesturday I wasn't a cat nurse. Yesterday I could smell the bacteria and I wanted to cry and I just went to bed feeling like a bad human being. In the cold rational light of day, I suppose since I haven't made soup from my cats I'm actually and ok human being. Humans do some weird shit.

For those interested, His swollen paw has reduced a little from the antibiotic. The mass under his front right paw doesn't seem as inflames, and the sore on his side looks like its finally closing.

We're feeding him whatever he wants whenever. I just bought freshpet catfood. its little bits of tender kibble that you keep in the fridge. He loves it.  As long as he eats drinks purrs and poops. He's ok.

ofcourse he's no longer using the litter box. But he limps to get around. So we got an enzime urine cleaner spray.  Hopefully that will keep our house from smelling like cat.

It hurts that I can't make him better, That I can't fix my cat. But as long as I can keep on taking care of him as he gets sicker, as long as I can take care of him till the end He'll know I love him.

Also when I tell myself that I'm not good enough. I now can rebutt that with - well Basil seemed to think I was good enough.  He wants to climb on me even after I hurt him with the peroxide and the salve. I make him feel comforted. I'm good enough for that.

smell of the day: cat pee (no surprise there)
sound of the day: dryer tumbling with I think a metal buckle on something in there.

Jan 19th An Exploration of Good and Bad.

In kindergarten we get taught the idea that the opposite of Good is Bad, and the opposite of bad is good, and its a shame we get taught good and bad that way because its like saying the opposite of Banana is Apple.

Good and Bad describe preferences, judgements, values and feelings. Not only are there better words to describe these things, but both Good and Bad are like balls of glue, a lot of crap gets stuck to them.

If I am not Good am I Bad? If I am Bad does that mean I am also not good? Can I be both good and bad at the same time? I am often both at the same time.

When I'm depressed and Im not weepy, I'm Good.  But I'm also Bad.  I feel bad. Sometimes I don't feel Bad but that doesn't mean I suddenly feel good. I just feel not-bad.  Or Im happy and depressed at the same time, smiling and joking and playful and very very sad inside. I'm not-good but I'm not Bad. I need better words.

Then there is the whole feeling good enough thing, Im working on. Cause not feeling Good enough made me believe I was Bad. This "Good Enough" virus in my system is pernicious as well as deep rooted.

If I understood Good and Bad better then maybe I wouldn't need to be "Good Enough" because being Bad isn't so bad and is no longer the opposite of Good.

First I feel bad almost everyday.
Getting up in the morning. Body aches reminding me I'm unhealthy and there for bad. Take my morning pills because I'm older and my body is not good therefor bad. Mirror-fat=bad. Clothes to wear-didn't feel up to putting clothes away so there are still in the basket = bad wife, bad house keeping. These days giving the cats the morning treats, Basil...Bad cat owner. Bad person. Kitchen make breakfast-kitchen messy=Bad bad housekeeping. lazy bad. Make lunch to save a little money = good try. Bad food choices. Bad.

Before work I'm calling myself Bad many many times. If there is any complication at work. Bad. By the time work is over sometimes I just want to crawl into bed. Because Lazy bad bad.

But if I used other words-

Getting up in the morning I ache because I'm older and the aches are there to remind me not to act like a young-un. Take my morning pills because the miracle of science is helping me live longer. Dig for clothes in the laundry basket because I have matured to the point where clean clothes are in baskets when I'm not feeling up to putting them away. Give the cats their morning treats and count them grateful for their responsive love, Its ok to feel bad over Basil's condition. Feel bittersweet about giving him extra wet food, what ever he likes for as long as we have left with him. Grab breakfast and lunch on the way to work, yes the kitchen is messy, but its serving 4 adults and 2 babies, one of the adults is preggers, smile thinking of how much I love my daughter. Deal with complications at work as they come because I adapt well. There doesn't have to be any Badness here.

It seems to be a matter of forcing a perspective change.  That does take energy but my default is also leeching energy so if Im going to feel tired anyway I might as well try forcing the better perspective.

The thing I do know is that the new words from the word of the day are working and that there are parts of my esteem, parts that help me to be a happier person that have atrophied from my default depression thinking. The words are exercises and they are hard to want to do, but looking them over and using them makes me feel better.

My lows aren't quite as low as they have been.  I think I might be getting stronger inside.
That would be good.

Sound of the day: chime notification sound of new mail
smell of the day: left over chili and cornbread from lunch

If I sound a little down.

It should not be surprising to know that I have difficulty letting things go. I wear my depression and anxiety like a second skin.  I remember being told that I was over thin skinned and over sensitive.

Over sensitive never made much sense to me as being a problem.  The problem I felt was that everyone else was under sensitive and out right mean sometimes and not just to me but to other people too. The neighbor boy who punched me when I first said hi to him was just being a boy and somehow I was "over sensitive" for crying.

I've been told to turn it off. That must be nice. I image there is a switch inside normal people, maybe a fuse box for emotions and they can simply pull the switch and the feeling go away.  I can't find my switch. My feeling stay on. I carry my pain, my distress, my fear, my joy, my hope, my amusement with me everywhere. Even in sleep.

So I know when Im going to cry. And it won't be over the latest mean word, or raised voice, or lost remote. That will be just the thing that scratches through this thin skin of mine letting the sorrow seep out.

My cat is dying by inches. he has two open wounds that aren't healing. The first from a cyst that burst and the second from I don't even know where. he's in too much pain to groom so his hair is matted and mangy looking. Every night michael and I have to trick or force a tiny anti-biotic pill down his mouth.  When your forcing your cat to take a pill you can't help but feel like a loathsome evil being oppressing this tiny creature that you love, restraining him from moving forcing his mouth open than shut until he swallows the damn pill. Tricking him into eating the pill would be fine except he's a picky eater, so it never works twice.

He's peeing on the rug outside the litter box. for the last two days he's peed on me and he's so miserable I just let him.  Michael and I started to have "the talk."  At what point do we...how much sicker does he have to get before–My husband is very sensitive too and Basil is the first cat that ever bonded with him. He doesn't bring up the talk as a matter of duty it is with dread and a heavy heart.

 So I'm going to cry a lot for a while.  Because I just want my cat to get better, but he's soo old now; If I could take the time off work I'd stay at home with him and just hold him and let him sleep on me which is what he only seems to want to do. For as long as it takes him to die.

Sometimes its ok to be depressed I think.  Sometimes your supposed to be depressed. If this didn't depress me, I think i'd be afraid that I wasn't very human.

sound of the day: Office Central Air pumping hot air through vents
smell of the day: cat pee.