Ambition is an excellent word. Its an excellent trait to have but for the depressed Ambition can be used by depression to self-inflict negativity, when in reality it is a powerful and positive sign of healing.
Let me explain.
When you are in the thick of a depressed episode, what do you want to do? Nothing. What do you feel capable of doing? Nothing. Wants, desires, previous interests all wither in the depressed fog. They become the single desire to stop feeling this way, to be someone else, to be stable, and please please please let nobody notice how bad I am right now.
And then there are days that you wake up thinking...I could make cookies. Or after work I think I'll do some laundry. Maybe I can write a story.
These impulses are ambitions. And just having them is enough. Having ambition when you are depressed is like the sprig of a new flower poking up from the dirt. There is something inside that is not ache and failure.
Depending on what point of your depression you are in, you are not likely to write that story, or do that laundry or make those cookies.
And that's when ambition can be used by the Train of Suck to hurt you. Depression will start shouting that you suck because you couldn't even write a lousy story, eating your baked cookies while the laundry spins through a cycle...your so lame chuga-chuga-chug.
Depression needs to make that noise because the truth is you're having wants, hopes and dreams again. Ambition is a sign that your winning your fight against depression. You won by simply feeling for the briefest of moments that you could do something other than be depressed.
Ambition is excellent. It works with Agency. It's a sign that you are stronger than the depression your fighting, and that you are already winning.
So the next time you start feeling bad because you hoped to be able to do a thing, but you just didn't have it in you, remind yourself that wanting is enough right now. It means you have ambition. It means you already winning.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Oct 29: Word of the Day DSP NOT ESP
Good morning,
So for Thursday's word of the day I'm using three words. Depressed Sensitivity Perception.
Why would I do this? Aren't there plenty of good words I haven't brought up yet? Inspired, Ambitious, Lovely, Creative to name a few? Whats the deal?
Ok,
So the thing is that as part of my depressive process I am "thin skinned" "too sensitive" and need to "lighten up." If this sounds familiar it gets even better. Remember that Show Lie to Me? if you missed it Netflix has it.
Ok, the show was based around micro expressions that people are not even aware they make. Turns out I can read body language like a BOSS. It usually makes me a good guesser about people.
But when I'm depressed I take those same messages I'm getting about tone of voice and micro expressions and body language and internalize them. Then Depression whispers to me what you must be thinking.
It's always about me.
It's always bad.
The thing is, I am not a mind reader. I don't have ESP. I have regular sensory perception run through a depression filter. DSP.
Your micro frown, and resistant body language can mean you are wearing new shoes and they're tight, or you have sudden gas, or your worried about a pet or that new strange sound your car is making, I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.
When I remind myself that I have DSP and not ESP I also need to trust you to tell me when it is me. Or I could ask. But the thing I can't do is rely on my own depression filtered perception to guess correctly.
So DSP not ESP.
So for Thursday's word of the day I'm using three words. Depressed Sensitivity Perception.
Why would I do this? Aren't there plenty of good words I haven't brought up yet? Inspired, Ambitious, Lovely, Creative to name a few? Whats the deal?
Ok,
So the thing is that as part of my depressive process I am "thin skinned" "too sensitive" and need to "lighten up." If this sounds familiar it gets even better. Remember that Show Lie to Me? if you missed it Netflix has it.
Ok, the show was based around micro expressions that people are not even aware they make. Turns out I can read body language like a BOSS. It usually makes me a good guesser about people.
But when I'm depressed I take those same messages I'm getting about tone of voice and micro expressions and body language and internalize them. Then Depression whispers to me what you must be thinking.
It's always about me.
It's always bad.
The thing is, I am not a mind reader. I don't have ESP. I have regular sensory perception run through a depression filter. DSP.
Your micro frown, and resistant body language can mean you are wearing new shoes and they're tight, or you have sudden gas, or your worried about a pet or that new strange sound your car is making, I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.
When I remind myself that I have DSP and not ESP I also need to trust you to tell me when it is me. Or I could ask. But the thing I can't do is rely on my own depression filtered perception to guess correctly.
So DSP not ESP.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Oct 28, Word of the Day: Replenish
I've got a really good word for the day today. Replenish, which I always thing Re-plent-ish but there is no “t”. But in my mind it has the word plenty in it so I know where to go when I have less and I need more.
Replenish makes me think of a tall chilled glass of cool water, when I’m thirsty. It's a relieving, reviving kind of word.
Anyway. Replenish makes a very good defender word.
If you're anything like me, then at a certain point of your depression you start to crave affection, and comfort. For me I need to touch, to hold, and I reach out for it and then I condemn myself before anyone else can for being NEEDY.
Needy is one of the Train of Suck words. it's a word I get to use to tear myself down. Why do you have to be so frickin needy all the time? Why can’t you be normal....chugga chugga...(fricking train)
Here is the thing. the Train of Suck lies.
When you are depressed you hurt emotionally, but also a little physically too. Maybe you numb out. Maybe you get sore. Maybe your body just feels heavy and your day feels like you're moving through glue. Depression is uncomfortable.
What is the most NORMAL thing in the world to do when you are uncomfortable? You move? You seek comfort. Comfort seeking is natural and good. And when you get a little comfort, you get a little stronger more able to fight the good fight. (which the Train of Suck does not want you to do or you might end up cutting off its fuel supply and stranding it somewhere.)
Seeking Comfort makes me feel vulnerable and “needy”
but I’m not needy,
I’m merely Replenishing some comfort back into my soul.
And that’s how I’m going to defend myself from calling myself needy and feeling bad about it.
I am Depressed. I will Replenish my need for comfort many times until this depression passes.
Sound of the day: Electric tea kettle boiling water.
Smell of the day: wet wool (its raining)
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Oct 27th Word of the Day: Agent
Agent. That's a strange word of the day isn't it?
Let me preface this a little.
Yesterday was employee reviews at work and the train of Suck was having a field day.
Sunday I did a social thing to purposely try and outreach and felt exposed, a little rejected and came back home nursing emotional wounds. Depression makes me way over sensitive, it distorts my experience in the worse possible way so no. No one deliberately rejected me, and all the social people at the event were nice and friendly. It maybe hard to understand but depression takes any slight and makes it a conformation for the Train of Suck.
Friday is my annual Halloween Party and I'm afraid it will be awkward, tense and unfun. Worse I'll be responsible for my family being unhappy. The train of Suck is LOVING this.
Now my normal advice is to be patient with myself.
But here's the thing. I am patient with myself the whole time. Its like telling someone whose driving WITH the break on to slow down. What do you mean be Patient? Do you see how I'm not flipping out? Do you see how I'm not curled into a ball weeping all day? Do you see me waiting through days of suck clinging to the fragile belief that tomorrow I'll feel better??? That's me exerting Patience. So don't tell a depressed person to be patient. It pisses us off. (Frickin patience)
So yeah. Patience is not going to be a word for the day, Or a tool for the tool box. For me, if your depressed, if you among the walking wounded, if your putting on the everyday face while inside you just want to cry ALL THE TIME. Then you are already practicing patience. you don't need patience. You need Agency.
Let me give you the link here:
Agent
I started on a thesaurus looking up a synonym for the word patient. So many words I'm not going to use there. Agent is the opposite of patient. I'm like whah...So I looked up Agent and I knew that was the word for the day.
Definition #2 - a person or thing that acts or has the power to act.
If your like me, Depression hits you and begins to erode you. Like your made of salt and the tides rushing in. It tries to make you forget your Agency. You have power. Depression doesn't have any power. Its a leech sucking away at you and those times you feel crushed under it, you feel powerless and can't do anything because the depression is too strong. That's your strength depression is using, Its holding you down with your own strength,
Lets think about that shall we?
We are all Agents. We all have the power to act, to move, to be. Depression has none until it siphons off our own power to feed itself and make us feel weak. But the whole time its doing it, its still just borrowing your own power. It takes away our agency. But we are still agents of our own power and we can take that power back.
So when you feel depression holding you down FEEL that. That's your strength, that's how strong you are. Then remind yourself say it out loud if you have to. I am the Agent of my own power. Not depression, and I am taking my power back.
Patience- meh- Give me Agency any day!
Smell of the Day: Peanut butter
Sound of the Day: Airplane passing overhead.
Let me preface this a little.
Yesterday was employee reviews at work and the train of Suck was having a field day.
Sunday I did a social thing to purposely try and outreach and felt exposed, a little rejected and came back home nursing emotional wounds. Depression makes me way over sensitive, it distorts my experience in the worse possible way so no. No one deliberately rejected me, and all the social people at the event were nice and friendly. It maybe hard to understand but depression takes any slight and makes it a conformation for the Train of Suck.
Friday is my annual Halloween Party and I'm afraid it will be awkward, tense and unfun. Worse I'll be responsible for my family being unhappy. The train of Suck is LOVING this.
Now my normal advice is to be patient with myself.
But here's the thing. I am patient with myself the whole time. Its like telling someone whose driving WITH the break on to slow down. What do you mean be Patient? Do you see how I'm not flipping out? Do you see how I'm not curled into a ball weeping all day? Do you see me waiting through days of suck clinging to the fragile belief that tomorrow I'll feel better??? That's me exerting Patience. So don't tell a depressed person to be patient. It pisses us off. (Frickin patience)
So yeah. Patience is not going to be a word for the day, Or a tool for the tool box. For me, if your depressed, if you among the walking wounded, if your putting on the everyday face while inside you just want to cry ALL THE TIME. Then you are already practicing patience. you don't need patience. You need Agency.
Let me give you the link here:
Agent
I started on a thesaurus looking up a synonym for the word patient. So many words I'm not going to use there. Agent is the opposite of patient. I'm like whah...So I looked up Agent and I knew that was the word for the day.
Definition #2 - a person or thing that acts or has the power to act.
If your like me, Depression hits you and begins to erode you. Like your made of salt and the tides rushing in. It tries to make you forget your Agency. You have power. Depression doesn't have any power. Its a leech sucking away at you and those times you feel crushed under it, you feel powerless and can't do anything because the depression is too strong. That's your strength depression is using, Its holding you down with your own strength,
Lets think about that shall we?
We are all Agents. We all have the power to act, to move, to be. Depression has none until it siphons off our own power to feed itself and make us feel weak. But the whole time its doing it, its still just borrowing your own power. It takes away our agency. But we are still agents of our own power and we can take that power back.
So when you feel depression holding you down FEEL that. That's your strength, that's how strong you are. Then remind yourself say it out loud if you have to. I am the Agent of my own power. Not depression, and I am taking my power back.
Patience- meh- Give me Agency any day!
Smell of the Day: Peanut butter
Sound of the Day: Airplane passing overhead.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Oct 26th: Word of the Day: Recharge
When you're depressed or rather when I get depressed I get overwhelmed easily and I shut down. Then I get to beat myself up for shutting down and not being "normal" or for letting other people down because I opt out of Game night, or other social situation. And I get to tell myself I'm lame or lazy.
But here is the thing. When I opt out of social things, I'm taking care of me. That shut down feeling that comes with being overwhelmed is just the warning light letting me know I need to recharging.
When you depressed its like you're a smartphone with a battery drainage problem because the fricken apps won't shut off, they just keep running in the background (I'm talking to you Train Of Suck!) so of course you feel rundown. Recharging fights lame and lazy and "not normal" Because there is nothing more normal when a person (or smartphone) is running down, then to take the time to recharge it.
So when your overwhelmed and feeling shutdown out remember, Your normal. Go lie down guilt free. Your just Recharging.
Sound of the day: School bus engine moving down the street.
Smell of the day: Fresh crushed pepper.
But here is the thing. When I opt out of social things, I'm taking care of me. That shut down feeling that comes with being overwhelmed is just the warning light letting me know I need to recharging.
When you depressed its like you're a smartphone with a battery drainage problem because the fricken apps won't shut off, they just keep running in the background (I'm talking to you Train Of Suck!) so of course you feel rundown. Recharging fights lame and lazy and "not normal" Because there is nothing more normal when a person (or smartphone) is running down, then to take the time to recharge it.
So when your overwhelmed and feeling shutdown out remember, Your normal. Go lie down guilt free. Your just Recharging.
Sound of the day: School bus engine moving down the street.
Smell of the day: Fresh crushed pepper.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
1st week Auntie Dression update: Kat vs. The Train of Suck.
This has been the first week I have used the Cognitive Therapy Positive words to combat the negative train of suck that constantly runs me down.
Everyone's depression is different. For mine I feel I guess ashamed all the time. The first words out of my mouth are "I'm sorry." and the thing is I don't even know what I did. So I tell myself what I did. I tell myself how I'm falling apart, how I suck, how I'm dirty and repulsive and lame and lazy and such a looser. I've got bad blood in me from evil people. I'm never going to be any good and everyone I trick into liking me I'm actually making suffer the burden of being around me.
And if you know me then your likely like- but Kat that's crazy, See I tell myself that too. I get to tell myself I'm crazy.
The storm inside the waves and crashes of empty, of ache, of dread, of grief, and deep deep sadness thrive on all those negative thoughts, and they run through my head regularly.
This week Ive been blocking those thoughts but where as the train of suck runs on its own power I have to actively stop and think the positive blocking words.
SO to begin with that feeling of always falling apart- I have resilient.
Yes I fall apart but I get back up, I am resilient.
and somehow that takes the sting of failure away. Like its ok to feel shaky and uncertain and sad, I'm strong enough to take it and spring back up.
I then chose Resplendent but it doesn't feel true, which actually makes it work really well against grotesque. If I can't BE resplendent, how could I actually be grotesque? Both words are too big for me. Grotesque disappeared this week and I haven't heard/thought it since.
Charismatic was a really important word and has been very effective because I am fat. I am in my 40s. Which generates a lot of negativity based on my physical properties, but I am also charismatic which cancels out physical flaws because people like what they like when charisma is involved. Charisma is a blind lover of beauty. So I see my reflecting anf think- your fat and ugly- and then stop and rethink AND Charismatic so there! And I stick my tongue out at the suck train.
Which leads me to the word Resourceful. Because when your Depressed all the time you can't do things you want to do, you just don't have it in you so you barely do the things you need to do, and find creative ways to do other things. This word is not a word blocker exactly, but it helps rebuild my self esteem. Ok so maybe I am depressed but I still get things done, just differently. Because I am resourceful.
Compassion is such an important word because I really feel bad for other people alot. And I tend to give other people much more forgivenss then I give myself because they are going through things. But I'm going through things too. It just feels like Im going through them all the time. (which is not true but even if it was...) I need to remember to be as compassionate with myself as I am to other people.
Friday I added the word Perspective. Perpective is more of a tool than a blocking work. Its a tool versus the anxiety as well as the depression. When I relive the awkward moment I want to beat myself up with I need to use Perspective at that moment and rethink what was going on with some important things in mind.
1. How many Adults were participating in the awkward?
2. What was actually said (no guessing their thoughts. Depression makes a bad guesser)
3. What else may have contributed to the awkward?
These are the steps involved in getting perspective. Perspective forces me to reduce the amount personal responsibility in social events. Otherwise I walk away feeling very ashamed and guilty and blaming myself for the entire awkward.
Because of these words and tools I feel much more centered today. I woke up and even made breakfast for my husband which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. And here I am blogging about it. I'm giving myself permission to take time to do something I want to do.
I feel that these tools and words are successful.
These week:
I have an Employee Review happening tomorrow. I have a lot of anxiety about that
Wednesday is game night and I'd really like to go and have fun social gaming time.
Thursday is my Therapy session.
Saturday is Halloween Trick or Treat night for our boro. So Halloween party. Lots to be excited for but also be overwhelmed about.
Goals: right now I'd be happy if I can keep up with a word for the day for Monday through Friday, and keep giving myself time to Auntie Depress. I think those are reasonable goals for this week.
Scent of the day: buttered toast.
Sound of the day: cat lapping up water.
Everyone's depression is different. For mine I feel I guess ashamed all the time. The first words out of my mouth are "I'm sorry." and the thing is I don't even know what I did. So I tell myself what I did. I tell myself how I'm falling apart, how I suck, how I'm dirty and repulsive and lame and lazy and such a looser. I've got bad blood in me from evil people. I'm never going to be any good and everyone I trick into liking me I'm actually making suffer the burden of being around me.
And if you know me then your likely like- but Kat that's crazy, See I tell myself that too. I get to tell myself I'm crazy.
The storm inside the waves and crashes of empty, of ache, of dread, of grief, and deep deep sadness thrive on all those negative thoughts, and they run through my head regularly.
This week Ive been blocking those thoughts but where as the train of suck runs on its own power I have to actively stop and think the positive blocking words.
SO to begin with that feeling of always falling apart- I have resilient.
Yes I fall apart but I get back up, I am resilient.
and somehow that takes the sting of failure away. Like its ok to feel shaky and uncertain and sad, I'm strong enough to take it and spring back up.
I then chose Resplendent but it doesn't feel true, which actually makes it work really well against grotesque. If I can't BE resplendent, how could I actually be grotesque? Both words are too big for me. Grotesque disappeared this week and I haven't heard/thought it since.
Charismatic was a really important word and has been very effective because I am fat. I am in my 40s. Which generates a lot of negativity based on my physical properties, but I am also charismatic which cancels out physical flaws because people like what they like when charisma is involved. Charisma is a blind lover of beauty. So I see my reflecting anf think- your fat and ugly- and then stop and rethink AND Charismatic so there! And I stick my tongue out at the suck train.
Which leads me to the word Resourceful. Because when your Depressed all the time you can't do things you want to do, you just don't have it in you so you barely do the things you need to do, and find creative ways to do other things. This word is not a word blocker exactly, but it helps rebuild my self esteem. Ok so maybe I am depressed but I still get things done, just differently. Because I am resourceful.
Compassion is such an important word because I really feel bad for other people alot. And I tend to give other people much more forgivenss then I give myself because they are going through things. But I'm going through things too. It just feels like Im going through them all the time. (which is not true but even if it was...) I need to remember to be as compassionate with myself as I am to other people.
Friday I added the word Perspective. Perpective is more of a tool than a blocking work. Its a tool versus the anxiety as well as the depression. When I relive the awkward moment I want to beat myself up with I need to use Perspective at that moment and rethink what was going on with some important things in mind.
1. How many Adults were participating in the awkward?
2. What was actually said (no guessing their thoughts. Depression makes a bad guesser)
3. What else may have contributed to the awkward?
These are the steps involved in getting perspective. Perspective forces me to reduce the amount personal responsibility in social events. Otherwise I walk away feeling very ashamed and guilty and blaming myself for the entire awkward.
Because of these words and tools I feel much more centered today. I woke up and even made breakfast for my husband which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. And here I am blogging about it. I'm giving myself permission to take time to do something I want to do.
I feel that these tools and words are successful.
These week:
I have an Employee Review happening tomorrow. I have a lot of anxiety about that
Wednesday is game night and I'd really like to go and have fun social gaming time.
Thursday is my Therapy session.
Saturday is Halloween Trick or Treat night for our boro. So Halloween party. Lots to be excited for but also be overwhelmed about.
Goals: right now I'd be happy if I can keep up with a word for the day for Monday through Friday, and keep giving myself time to Auntie Depress. I think those are reasonable goals for this week.
Scent of the day: buttered toast.
Sound of the day: cat lapping up water.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Oct 23 Word of the Day: Perspective
The word for today is Perspective. This is not an easy word shield like Resilient or Charismatic that help you feel better just by thinking it, Perspective needs you to work with it.
Guilt isn't just a stabby word either, its a lawyer building a case against you for not just sucking but making everyone around you suck too. Guilt works hard to make me feel awful.
This is how perspective works against guilt.
First: Guilt brings its case: you did a social thing you wanted last night. It did not go well. people were unhappy. It is all your fault.
Then: Perspective Objects!
Your honor, I'd like to remind the court that some of those people were unhappy before the social thing was even suggested. Also My client was one of many adults in the room. Shouldn't the other adults be responsible for judging their own moods and capabilities? My client can only be responsible for her own decisions. there for Guilt has no case against my client and I demand this case be dismissed.
Your honor, I'd like to remind the court that some of those people were unhappy before the social thing was even suggested. Also My client was one of many adults in the room. Shouldn't the other adults be responsible for judging their own moods and capabilities? My client can only be responsible for her own decisions. there for Guilt has no case against my client and I demand this case be dismissed.
In order for perspective to do this you need to sit down with perspective and go over the troubling event and let perspective make you smaller- not the boss of the world or the parent of the room, just the occupant of the chair.
Perspective is not an easy word, but it can annihilate guilt. And left unchecked Guilt beats me up and down.
But I am resilient, I am resourceful, charismatic, and compassionate. I resolve to work with perspective to see myself more clearly.
Oct 22 Word of the Day: Charismatic
Today's positive word is Charismatic. I love how there is this hard "c" sound, even though there is the "ch" which normally makes church, chew, cha-cha sounds. It's like I know what you expect, but I'm going to make this hard "c" sound instead. Charismatic is a word that fends of a number of hurtful desciption words like - Fat. Manly. Warped. Obese. and the queen of all Badness- REPULSIVE. I can't tell you how many time a day I let repulsive ping through my brain seeing a shadow of myself, or a reflection.
Charisma doesn't care what you look like, how tall, how pretty, Charisma is this energy, this light that pulls you in and makes you smile. And I have that. You have it too by the way. We are all Charismatic.
So the next time I mentally hear repulsive I can block it with Charismatic. I am Resilient, Resourceful, Compassionate and Charismatic. And Resolved to remind myself these things.
Oct 21st Word of the Day: Compassion
The word for Today is Compassionate. This word stands with strong resolve against the bullying words of "cry-baby" and "over-sensitive"
Compassionate is a great word because not only does it cover the fact that its OK to get emotional it also reminds me to be compassionate with myself.
I am resilient, resourceful, with strong resolve, and I have lots of compassion.
Oct 20th Word of the Day: Resourceful
I'm like a combat soldier. I got my boots on. Sending in happy troops to fend off the depression invasion. I'm armed with positive words to describe myself every time I start thinking the negative words. This Weekend, "Falling Apart" met RESILIENT!!! I am very much resilient. It's a great word. Monday's Word for "stubborn" and the very nasty "incorrigible" is RESOLVE. I have resolve.
Today's word Resourceful. That one fends off "flaky" "lame" "lazy" and "incompetent." I am RESOURCEFUL!
Today's word Resourceful. That one fends off "flaky" "lame" "lazy" and "incompetent." I am RESOURCEFUL!
Why I need this Blog, and what I hope to get out of it.
Welcome to Auntie Depressant.
This is a warm safe place to relax and hopefully find a little relief from the darker sad and painful places that plague all of us.
Everyone has bad days and sad days and some days are worse than others. I like many have been struggling with Depression and Anxiety which does't just make for a bad day or a bad week or even a bad month, it is a day to day struggle.
Except that there are many many good days. And on the good days its easy to forget all I have to do to get through the bad ones.
But I do get through them.
I have each time.
I will again.
So I thought I'd build this blog to keep some tools to help me get through my current depressive episode. And at happier times to place pieces of inspiration and kitten pictures for feel good days.
So to begin with I'm currently working on a lexicon of positive words to tell myself in order to fend against the constant flow of negative things I tell myself all the time.
I started earlier this week before I created this blog so I'm going to re-post the earlier days words from Facebook, And then each week day I'll add a new word.
Feel free to add your own words, or post tips or encouragements.
Feel free to share your own struggles and recieve validation that it will eventually be ok.
but I don't feed trolls, so if a post makes me uncomfortable I'll delete and block.
This is a warm safe place to relax and hopefully find a little relief from the darker sad and painful places that plague all of us.
Everyone has bad days and sad days and some days are worse than others. I like many have been struggling with Depression and Anxiety which does't just make for a bad day or a bad week or even a bad month, it is a day to day struggle.
Except that there are many many good days. And on the good days its easy to forget all I have to do to get through the bad ones.
But I do get through them.
I have each time.
I will again.
So I thought I'd build this blog to keep some tools to help me get through my current depressive episode. And at happier times to place pieces of inspiration and kitten pictures for feel good days.
So to begin with I'm currently working on a lexicon of positive words to tell myself in order to fend against the constant flow of negative things I tell myself all the time.
I started earlier this week before I created this blog so I'm going to re-post the earlier days words from Facebook, And then each week day I'll add a new word.
Feel free to add your own words, or post tips or encouragements.
Feel free to share your own struggles and recieve validation that it will eventually be ok.
but I don't feed trolls, so if a post makes me uncomfortable I'll delete and block.
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