Social Anxiety.
So I'm a gamer. It's like being a sports fan only my sport is board games, table top role playing games, live action role playing games, and multi player online role playing games. Desk top computer games. . . so most games. Kinda like the sports fan who likes basketball, hockey, football, soccer, tennis, bowling . . .because sports are fun.
The thing about being a gamer for me is that single player games, like solitaire, and computer games are less fun for me than social gaming.
But social gaming means bringing my depression and anxiety with me in front of other people. I feel like others have to be able to see my cracks, and open wounds. I feel like I'm going to let people down and I feel like they don't like me anyway.
The train of suck gets bonus miles to run me down in social situations.
But I want to be social. I want to game. While gaming my depression and anxiety are easier to ignore. Till the game is over. Then bang! "You sucked. No one really had any fun." These are the lies of the train of suck.
The trick is that when you k ow your anxiety is loud inside you, take a moment. Trust your friends. If they aren't having a good time because of you let them come to you and tell you. Trust them over your own feelings, because you already know how you're feeling is being colored by Depression and Anxiety.
Ask yourself, was it bad? No? Then it was good.
I try complimenting another player. It helps shift my mental focus off me and what I might have done wrong to them and what they did right.
Step back and replenish if you need to.
Social anxiety doesn't have to control you. Remind the train of suck that your not a mind reader, trust your friends, take time time-outs as needed. You got this.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Word of the Day: Enough.
Enough.
Its a strange word. It's like Stop.
As a depressed person it becomes a source of pain when paired it with other words like Good, Pretty, or Normal. Because Good Enough, Pretty Enough, and Normal Enough are words depend on a value rating and judgement, to the depressed person the answer is always no.
I notice I'm asking myself or thinking to myself, or hoping something (say thanksgiving dinner) will be good enough and its like an unfinished sentence. I need more information.
Good enough for who?
Good enough for what?
What is supposed to happen when the elusive ENOUGH is achieved? Will there be a happy? Will I suddenly feel loved and accepted? Will I become Good/Pretty/Normal? I can't say because Enough is not achievable. And I don't think it should be.
I like being Good. If I get to good enough will I suddenly not have to be good anymore? Will I stop having to go through the effort because I'll just BE good?
Enough tells me that I'm not good right now. Enough begs me to judge myself, or use my psychic powers to determine how others have judged me. Enough is an Agent of Suck and Ive had enough of enough. So I'm going to stop using that word.
Because something happens when you remove the enough from those paired words. The questions then become: Am I Good? Am I Pretty? and Am I Normal? and those are answerable questions.
Good and pretty become even easier when you ask the opposite to answer.
Am I Good becomes Am I Bad? No? then I must be good. That was easy.
Am I Pretty becomes Am I Ugly? Yes. Really? I guess not. I'll take that as a No. So Guess what? I'm pretty.
Am I Normal. No? Ha-Trick question. Am I Normal for ME? I'm I doing anything Abnormal? No. The I'm Normal.
Will thanksgiving dinner be Good? Will it be bad? No then it will be good.
Take away the "enough"s in your life. Depression is exhausting as it is without trying to fulfill an achievable value like enough. Let the "Not Bad"s be your new definitions of Good. And maybe you can find a little Happy in your Depression.
Sound of the Day: Coat Zippers.
Smell of the Day: Fresh Cut Celery
Its a strange word. It's like Stop.
As a depressed person it becomes a source of pain when paired it with other words like Good, Pretty, or Normal. Because Good Enough, Pretty Enough, and Normal Enough are words depend on a value rating and judgement, to the depressed person the answer is always no.
I notice I'm asking myself or thinking to myself, or hoping something (say thanksgiving dinner) will be good enough and its like an unfinished sentence. I need more information.
Good enough for who?
Good enough for what?
What is supposed to happen when the elusive ENOUGH is achieved? Will there be a happy? Will I suddenly feel loved and accepted? Will I become Good/Pretty/Normal? I can't say because Enough is not achievable. And I don't think it should be.
I like being Good. If I get to good enough will I suddenly not have to be good anymore? Will I stop having to go through the effort because I'll just BE good?
Enough tells me that I'm not good right now. Enough begs me to judge myself, or use my psychic powers to determine how others have judged me. Enough is an Agent of Suck and Ive had enough of enough. So I'm going to stop using that word.
Because something happens when you remove the enough from those paired words. The questions then become: Am I Good? Am I Pretty? and Am I Normal? and those are answerable questions.
Good and pretty become even easier when you ask the opposite to answer.
Am I Good becomes Am I Bad? No? then I must be good. That was easy.
Am I Pretty becomes Am I Ugly? Yes. Really? I guess not. I'll take that as a No. So Guess what? I'm pretty.
Am I Normal. No? Ha-Trick question. Am I Normal for ME? I'm I doing anything Abnormal? No. The I'm Normal.
Will thanksgiving dinner be Good? Will it be bad? No then it will be good.
Take away the "enough"s in your life. Depression is exhausting as it is without trying to fulfill an achievable value like enough. Let the "Not Bad"s be your new definitions of Good. And maybe you can find a little Happy in your Depression.
Sound of the Day: Coat Zippers.
Smell of the Day: Fresh Cut Celery
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Holidays Depression and the Train of Suck
Thanksgiving this week.
And so it begins. The Holidays.
When your Not Depressed the Holidays can be stressful and full of expectations and desires.
Now add to that a thick self deprecating layer of soul numbing depression, trigger happy anxiety, and a healthy dose of PTSD (hush now, look away, and I'm not talking about it) and you have a recipe for SUCK. So much SUCK.
The train of Suck gets to add express lanes and lots of loud noisy cars to run me down with. Because I load that sucker up with expectations. I remember happy holidays. I need to be like that. (yeah-no I don't) there are even more expectations that I think that YOU think that I should think (Yeah...again no.)
You want to survive these holidays and maybe even catch a happy for a second or two?
Expect to be depressed.
Expect that the anxiety is going to be really bad.
Expect that your going to need to cry and to curl up and be anti-social
Because that's what a normal day is like, and under all the holiday decorations, there is a normal Thursday under thanksgiving. And so all the things you go through on the average Thursday while depressed are all going to be there
Expect to be stressed. Expect to be tired. And expect that the train of suck is waiting to tell you how you are ruining the holidays for everyone.
Your not.
All that extra pressure you feel on yourself, is being felt by everyone you are sharing the holiday with so if someone isn't happy, its got nothing to do with you. People are not at their best under stress. So take it easy on yourself.
Set your expectations small. Maybe getting through the night without having to cry is a success. Maybe just getting through the meal without crying. Set reasonable expectaions.
I want a little turkey. I want to see my sisters all together. I want a picture with Dalys and Michael. I want a nap. I want a slice of pie. I want to hold my granddaughter, I want to play with my grandson.
If enough of these little expectations happen I'll find a little happy. If all of them then I'll get a good warm holiday contentment going. Anything more is bonus. Anything less is survivable.
I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. I can't read minds, so I will take for face value whatever anyone tells me. I will ask for help when I start to sink. I will retreat if needed to take care of myself, and trust that my family will understand.
This is my action plan for the holidays. It derails the train of suck. When I get anxious I remind myself. small expectations. look over the plan. If I need to cry its ok.
If your depressed its ok. You've got this. Its just another thursday. and remember I love you.
smell of the day: Shampooed hair
Sound of the day: Sia singing "Cloud"
And so it begins. The Holidays.
When your Not Depressed the Holidays can be stressful and full of expectations and desires.
Now add to that a thick self deprecating layer of soul numbing depression, trigger happy anxiety, and a healthy dose of PTSD (hush now, look away, and I'm not talking about it) and you have a recipe for SUCK. So much SUCK.
The train of Suck gets to add express lanes and lots of loud noisy cars to run me down with. Because I load that sucker up with expectations. I remember happy holidays. I need to be like that. (yeah-no I don't) there are even more expectations that I think that YOU think that I should think (Yeah...again no.)
You want to survive these holidays and maybe even catch a happy for a second or two?
Expect to be depressed.
Expect that the anxiety is going to be really bad.
Expect that your going to need to cry and to curl up and be anti-social
Because that's what a normal day is like, and under all the holiday decorations, there is a normal Thursday under thanksgiving. And so all the things you go through on the average Thursday while depressed are all going to be there
Expect to be stressed. Expect to be tired. And expect that the train of suck is waiting to tell you how you are ruining the holidays for everyone.
Your not.
All that extra pressure you feel on yourself, is being felt by everyone you are sharing the holiday with so if someone isn't happy, its got nothing to do with you. People are not at their best under stress. So take it easy on yourself.
Set your expectations small. Maybe getting through the night without having to cry is a success. Maybe just getting through the meal without crying. Set reasonable expectaions.
I want a little turkey. I want to see my sisters all together. I want a picture with Dalys and Michael. I want a nap. I want a slice of pie. I want to hold my granddaughter, I want to play with my grandson.
If enough of these little expectations happen I'll find a little happy. If all of them then I'll get a good warm holiday contentment going. Anything more is bonus. Anything less is survivable.
I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. I can't read minds, so I will take for face value whatever anyone tells me. I will ask for help when I start to sink. I will retreat if needed to take care of myself, and trust that my family will understand.
This is my action plan for the holidays. It derails the train of suck. When I get anxious I remind myself. small expectations. look over the plan. If I need to cry its ok.
If your depressed its ok. You've got this. Its just another thursday. and remember I love you.
smell of the day: Shampooed hair
Sound of the day: Sia singing "Cloud"
Monday, November 16, 2015
Trigger Happy
You are feeling good. Things are looking more positive. Maybe you are even sleepiong better, more relaxed. Depression is losing the fight and starting to recede again. And then?
Maybe it was something you read, a movie you saw, a friend or family member not sure if they should tell you this but...
Suddenly your back to feeling fragile, hopeless, tired and depressed.
Or if you suffer from ptsd like I do (thanks Dad) your trip wire sent you a surge of fear-panic.
What now?
Likely the Train of Suck has just refueled and is telling you what a loser you are, and how your never going to be normal an no one wants to be around you.
What that train is not going to tell you is to just take a moment and breathe.
You are here because you have already acknowledged and accepted the fact that you have Depression. So how can you possibly suck if your suddenly depressed again. My train likes to tell me that Im not good at anything, but Heck I'm great at being depressed.
What kind of negativity is your train hitting you with? Look over your list of positive wood tools. Take the wheels of that train.
You are going to have setbacks. you are going to be triggered and you are going to need to retreat and replenish, rest, recover.
The thing is you are also going to get back up again. Don't let this current feeling erase the fact that before you got triggered you were feeling good. You are capable of feeling better, and will feel better again.
Practice trust. Find someone who knows you struggle with depression. Let them know what your going through right now. You don't have to feel alone in your depression. There are people who care.
I care.
Smell of the day: warm bread
Sound of the day: Hand held hair dryer
Maybe it was something you read, a movie you saw, a friend or family member not sure if they should tell you this but...
Suddenly your back to feeling fragile, hopeless, tired and depressed.
Or if you suffer from ptsd like I do (thanks Dad) your trip wire sent you a surge of fear-panic.
What now?
Likely the Train of Suck has just refueled and is telling you what a loser you are, and how your never going to be normal an no one wants to be around you.
What that train is not going to tell you is to just take a moment and breathe.
You are here because you have already acknowledged and accepted the fact that you have Depression. So how can you possibly suck if your suddenly depressed again. My train likes to tell me that Im not good at anything, but Heck I'm great at being depressed.
What kind of negativity is your train hitting you with? Look over your list of positive wood tools. Take the wheels of that train.
You are going to have setbacks. you are going to be triggered and you are going to need to retreat and replenish, rest, recover.
The thing is you are also going to get back up again. Don't let this current feeling erase the fact that before you got triggered you were feeling good. You are capable of feeling better, and will feel better again.
Practice trust. Find someone who knows you struggle with depression. Let them know what your going through right now. You don't have to feel alone in your depression. There are people who care.
I care.
Smell of the day: warm bread
Sound of the day: Hand held hair dryer
Friday, November 13, 2015
Nov 13 Words of the Day: Control & Trust
Let's talk about Control and Trust.
Both words are such a big words for me I may need to talk about them more than once.
Control first. Always. I am a controlling person. There are many kinds of controlling persons. Some people seek to control to feel powerful or even to hurt others. Thats not me. I merely seek self preservation. It's like my life depends on having it. So when its taken from me it feels devastating.
So once upon a time bad person did thing X to me when I was very young and because Bad person was an adult and I was very young I had absolutely no control over my own body or any way to make thing X stop or to get Bad Person to stop.
This story repeats itself at different times with Different people stepping in for Bad Person. Different unpleasant things swapping out for thing X and different young ages of me.
Thats why one of my root anxieties is warped and wrapped around having control of my environment. I don't control because I want anything from other people. I don't control because I want power I need control because I never want to get hurt again.
And even though I've gotten old enough and big enough that I don't have to worry about it. I'm set up to worry about it.
Control is a mechanism to keep me safe. When I let go of that control I start to panic. I literally feel unsafe and I can't tell you why. My anxiety goes up and then I feel like everything is falling apart.
let me put it another way:
If your in a car and your friend is driving and there is an accident which puts you in the hospital...you might be a little leery of that friend then offering to pick you up.
You are all my friends. The world is an accident waiting to happen.
This is where Trust comes in.
When I voluntarily give up control. I am trusting that I am not going to get hurt. I am putting my faith in someone other than me. And its a big deal. Its not an easy thing to do.
The more I practice trust, and the more nothing bad happens the easier trusting becomes and the more relaxed I can be. The anxiety starts to go away. If I trust enough I believe I could banish that anxiety completely.
Thats a place I want to get to.
The thing I wanted to express is that Control is a shield. A weapon of war.
But Trust is a tool, and an important one. Because when I'm in my darkest place I'm afraid to trust anyone. But what I need to tell myself is that Trust is also a muscle, it atrophies when unused, and gets stronger the more you use it.
Take that first step. Find someone you might be able to trust and let down your defenses, be vulnerable. The world will keep spinning and it will get a little easier to trust more tomorrow.
Depression tells you your all alone, wears you down and devours you. But you are not alone. You just need to trust the people around you. Trust me. :)
Sound of the day: Ice machine cubes filling a plastic cup.
Smell of the day: freshly sliced strawberries
Both words are such a big words for me I may need to talk about them more than once.
Control first. Always. I am a controlling person. There are many kinds of controlling persons. Some people seek to control to feel powerful or even to hurt others. Thats not me. I merely seek self preservation. It's like my life depends on having it. So when its taken from me it feels devastating.
So once upon a time bad person did thing X to me when I was very young and because Bad person was an adult and I was very young I had absolutely no control over my own body or any way to make thing X stop or to get Bad Person to stop.
This story repeats itself at different times with Different people stepping in for Bad Person. Different unpleasant things swapping out for thing X and different young ages of me.
Thats why one of my root anxieties is warped and wrapped around having control of my environment. I don't control because I want anything from other people. I don't control because I want power I need control because I never want to get hurt again.
And even though I've gotten old enough and big enough that I don't have to worry about it. I'm set up to worry about it.
Control is a mechanism to keep me safe. When I let go of that control I start to panic. I literally feel unsafe and I can't tell you why. My anxiety goes up and then I feel like everything is falling apart.
let me put it another way:
If your in a car and your friend is driving and there is an accident which puts you in the hospital...you might be a little leery of that friend then offering to pick you up.
You are all my friends. The world is an accident waiting to happen.
This is where Trust comes in.
When I voluntarily give up control. I am trusting that I am not going to get hurt. I am putting my faith in someone other than me. And its a big deal. Its not an easy thing to do.
The more I practice trust, and the more nothing bad happens the easier trusting becomes and the more relaxed I can be. The anxiety starts to go away. If I trust enough I believe I could banish that anxiety completely.
Thats a place I want to get to.
The thing I wanted to express is that Control is a shield. A weapon of war.
But Trust is a tool, and an important one. Because when I'm in my darkest place I'm afraid to trust anyone. But what I need to tell myself is that Trust is also a muscle, it atrophies when unused, and gets stronger the more you use it.
Take that first step. Find someone you might be able to trust and let down your defenses, be vulnerable. The world will keep spinning and it will get a little easier to trust more tomorrow.
Depression tells you your all alone, wears you down and devours you. But you are not alone. You just need to trust the people around you. Trust me. :)
Sound of the day: Ice machine cubes filling a plastic cup.
Smell of the day: freshly sliced strawberries
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Thought of the Day: Easy Does It: more on Replenish and Resourceful.
I have not kept up with my words of the day this week. I had a lovely time at the Game convention I went to. This time there was a support group which understood mental illness so if I felt out of control (which I did) I could seek out another member and talk or not and it was all ok.
And it was all ok.
And after the convention I was exhausted. Its thursday and Im still so tired. So I didn't do my words on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday.
And there is this thing that happens that I want to address right now. Taking time out because you are replenishing is not an excuse to beat yourself up for not doing thing A. Because that is what happens. I decide that I can't do a thing that I want to do because I just don't have it in me. And then I get to tell myself I suck, I'm lame, I'm a loser. I'm Lazy. and even worse...I tell myself even worse things and I just keep telling myself things and its exhausting.
After being run over with the train of suck not only can I not do thing A but I can do things B through D now either.
Depression is sneaky. It will fight you using tools to make yourself feel better, and try to use those tools against you.
So lets step back a bit:
Using the tools Resourceful and Replenish, I decide how much energy and self I have and then I pull back to allow myself to rest. Things are not going to get done because the more important thing, the ME thing is getting done.
Taking care of a Depressed soul is hard work. fighting the Negativity is hard work. Not giving in for appearances sake, but actively choosing my self first is a fight worth fighting. I'm being Brave, Strong, Good, Wise and Loving to myself when I choose to replenish over a thing.
And So are you when you do it. Depression may rally and attack but all the negativity it carries is lies. It has no weapons to attack you with when you replenish when you count your internal resources and make an informed decision for your best self interest. Do not let Depression use your healing tools against you. Give it nothing. Remind it that you get to decide whats good and resting right now is good.
So.
If there are pauses in the Daily words, it is likely I'm just replenishing.
But Auntie Depressant is important to me. I have already learned much about myself and about my Depression since I started it.
And if One day I decide I don't need it any longer I will stop. or if my depression gets so big that I can't do things for a while I may stop.
But what I won't do is use this beautiful thing I created as a tool to torment myself, or as a weight to make myself feel anyway negative about myself or it. And standing up for myself...even from myself, is Brave.
Anyway, I love you. Remember that.
Sound of the Day: Sink water running.
Smell of the day: freshly washed shirt.
And it was all ok.
And after the convention I was exhausted. Its thursday and Im still so tired. So I didn't do my words on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday.
And there is this thing that happens that I want to address right now. Taking time out because you are replenishing is not an excuse to beat yourself up for not doing thing A. Because that is what happens. I decide that I can't do a thing that I want to do because I just don't have it in me. And then I get to tell myself I suck, I'm lame, I'm a loser. I'm Lazy. and even worse...I tell myself even worse things and I just keep telling myself things and its exhausting.
After being run over with the train of suck not only can I not do thing A but I can do things B through D now either.
Depression is sneaky. It will fight you using tools to make yourself feel better, and try to use those tools against you.
So lets step back a bit:
Using the tools Resourceful and Replenish, I decide how much energy and self I have and then I pull back to allow myself to rest. Things are not going to get done because the more important thing, the ME thing is getting done.
Taking care of a Depressed soul is hard work. fighting the Negativity is hard work. Not giving in for appearances sake, but actively choosing my self first is a fight worth fighting. I'm being Brave, Strong, Good, Wise and Loving to myself when I choose to replenish over a thing.
And So are you when you do it. Depression may rally and attack but all the negativity it carries is lies. It has no weapons to attack you with when you replenish when you count your internal resources and make an informed decision for your best self interest. Do not let Depression use your healing tools against you. Give it nothing. Remind it that you get to decide whats good and resting right now is good.
So.
If there are pauses in the Daily words, it is likely I'm just replenishing.
But Auntie Depressant is important to me. I have already learned much about myself and about my Depression since I started it.
And if One day I decide I don't need it any longer I will stop. or if my depression gets so big that I can't do things for a while I may stop.
But what I won't do is use this beautiful thing I created as a tool to torment myself, or as a weight to make myself feel anyway negative about myself or it. And standing up for myself...even from myself, is Brave.
Anyway, I love you. Remember that.
Sound of the Day: Sink water running.
Smell of the day: freshly washed shirt.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Nov 4-9th: Taking my Depression and Anxiety to a Game convention
I have words.
I have some really really good words. Control and Trust, those are team words. Faith which is different then trust, and more.
But I am at the Hyatt in Morristown today at a Metatopia the great Game Design Convention.
I am being buffeted by my anxieties big time. I saw myself in the mirror this morning and wanted to hide. The Train of Suck trolled in the background telling me Im repulsive. Telling me most people are polite and tolerant which doesn't mean your liked. Telling me to stay in bed or maybe go home.
So yeah, its one of those mornings.
I have a workshop to do soon. For a game in developement. That doesn't scare me. I'm in my element there. No so much tomorrow when I put ideas to test. Tomorrow will be hard, but again play tests are still my element.
The thing is when your depressed you need to make sure you don't take anything personal. Try not to talk about myself. Ask others how they are doing.
I have chocolate and I have pretty dice to fondle. Chocolate pays twice because it gives off an aroma. These are what im using to self sooth.
I need a battle plan to help with my feelings of being over whelmed. I need a good earworm song to play in my head and fight the static. Ive been listening to Awolnation lately. so Sail is easy to conjure up.
I'm afraid of the sound of my own voice today. I'm afriad of oversharing. Of spilling my unpleasntries on others. All of those feed into the anxiety. I can count them and acknowlege them and release them. I don't need to be controlled by them.
Anyway/ I will try to get more Words of the Day out by Sunday.
I'm trying to use as many of those words as I can now, because I'm feeling emotionaly unstable.
Sound of the Day: Hotel Airconditioner Fan
Smell of the Day: Coffee
I have some really really good words. Control and Trust, those are team words. Faith which is different then trust, and more.
But I am at the Hyatt in Morristown today at a Metatopia the great Game Design Convention.
I am being buffeted by my anxieties big time. I saw myself in the mirror this morning and wanted to hide. The Train of Suck trolled in the background telling me Im repulsive. Telling me most people are polite and tolerant which doesn't mean your liked. Telling me to stay in bed or maybe go home.
So yeah, its one of those mornings.
I have a workshop to do soon. For a game in developement. That doesn't scare me. I'm in my element there. No so much tomorrow when I put ideas to test. Tomorrow will be hard, but again play tests are still my element.
The thing is when your depressed you need to make sure you don't take anything personal. Try not to talk about myself. Ask others how they are doing.
I have chocolate and I have pretty dice to fondle. Chocolate pays twice because it gives off an aroma. These are what im using to self sooth.
I need a battle plan to help with my feelings of being over whelmed. I need a good earworm song to play in my head and fight the static. Ive been listening to Awolnation lately. so Sail is easy to conjure up.
I'm afraid of the sound of my own voice today. I'm afriad of oversharing. Of spilling my unpleasntries on others. All of those feed into the anxiety. I can count them and acknowlege them and release them. I don't need to be controlled by them.
Anyway/ I will try to get more Words of the Day out by Sunday.
I'm trying to use as many of those words as I can now, because I'm feeling emotionaly unstable.
Sound of the Day: Hotel Airconditioner Fan
Smell of the Day: Coffee
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Nov 3: Word of the Day: Anniversary
Anniversary is a good word.
It's an important word.
But how does it help against the battle with Depression?
If your like me and certain times of year or days of the year trigger scary negative emotions.
Maybe you don't even know why, you just wake up suddenly anxious and then sad.
Here's a fact I've learned through experience: Traumas leave scars that can tell time.
Doesn't that suck?
If your feeling overwhelmed and you don't know why it can make you feel crazy. I literally tell myself I'm Crazy. I say it before anyone else can. I say it because my emotions are roiling and pressuring me on the inside and even if no one else notices I feel like any moment my skin might crack and the crazy will start to leak out.
Because I don't know why I feel this way. I need reason or else I'm just a broken thing.
That's when Anniversary becomes and ally.
Take a moment to think what was going on this time last year-
oh I felt crazy then too?
and the year before?
and the year before. . .
but wait, it was this time of year when I was told that I was not going to be allowed to adopt the adorable little girl our family had fallen in love with who fit into our lives like the last piece of a puzzle. The powers that be moved her back in with her siblings so that they could all be adopted together just months after assuring me there was no chance that they would ever do this.
This was so traumatic for me it ripped out a piece of my heart which then scarred, and now the time after halloween leading up to thanksgiving has an emotional minefield and I wake up feeling like I'm loosing everything. I still feel the grief even though that happened years ago.
Before I remember that Anniversary, all I know is that I have these overwhelming dread feelings, and grief feeling and loss feeling and I want to cry.
But once I recognize the Anniversary I remember that this is about the time I lost my unadopted daughter and I immediately stop feeling crazy.
I'm not crazy. There is a reason I feel this way. Its about loss. These feelings are a natural consequence of that loss.
Now I can think about that little girl, and look at pictures of her and cry a little, missing her and grieve as I must - but the anxiety, the feeling of dread and the fear of being unstable go away.
I acknowledge where the pain is coming from, and I allow myself to feel that loss and put a name to it. Suddenly I'm back in control, I'm more settled and more sane.
Thats how powerful an Ally Anniversary is.
If you can't explain a sudden rush of powerful emotions look to the past, was there a trauma that happened to you near this time of year? This may be the reason for your emotional episode.
As G. I . Joe would say "knowing is half the battle."
You are strong enough to take on the other half of this battle with depression.
"Go JOE!"
Smell of the day: wood smoke.
Sound of the day: Computer Keyboard soft clicking as you type.
It's an important word.
But how does it help against the battle with Depression?
If your like me and certain times of year or days of the year trigger scary negative emotions.
Maybe you don't even know why, you just wake up suddenly anxious and then sad.
Here's a fact I've learned through experience: Traumas leave scars that can tell time.
Doesn't that suck?
If your feeling overwhelmed and you don't know why it can make you feel crazy. I literally tell myself I'm Crazy. I say it before anyone else can. I say it because my emotions are roiling and pressuring me on the inside and even if no one else notices I feel like any moment my skin might crack and the crazy will start to leak out.
Because I don't know why I feel this way. I need reason or else I'm just a broken thing.
That's when Anniversary becomes and ally.
Take a moment to think what was going on this time last year-
oh I felt crazy then too?
and the year before?
and the year before. . .
but wait, it was this time of year when I was told that I was not going to be allowed to adopt the adorable little girl our family had fallen in love with who fit into our lives like the last piece of a puzzle. The powers that be moved her back in with her siblings so that they could all be adopted together just months after assuring me there was no chance that they would ever do this.
This was so traumatic for me it ripped out a piece of my heart which then scarred, and now the time after halloween leading up to thanksgiving has an emotional minefield and I wake up feeling like I'm loosing everything. I still feel the grief even though that happened years ago.
Before I remember that Anniversary, all I know is that I have these overwhelming dread feelings, and grief feeling and loss feeling and I want to cry.
But once I recognize the Anniversary I remember that this is about the time I lost my unadopted daughter and I immediately stop feeling crazy.
I'm not crazy. There is a reason I feel this way. Its about loss. These feelings are a natural consequence of that loss.
Now I can think about that little girl, and look at pictures of her and cry a little, missing her and grieve as I must - but the anxiety, the feeling of dread and the fear of being unstable go away.
I acknowledge where the pain is coming from, and I allow myself to feel that loss and put a name to it. Suddenly I'm back in control, I'm more settled and more sane.
Thats how powerful an Ally Anniversary is.
If you can't explain a sudden rush of powerful emotions look to the past, was there a trauma that happened to you near this time of year? This may be the reason for your emotional episode.
As G. I . Joe would say "knowing is half the battle."
You are strong enough to take on the other half of this battle with depression.
"Go JOE!"
Smell of the day: wood smoke.
Sound of the day: Computer Keyboard soft clicking as you type.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Nov 2nd Word of the Day: Creative
Creative is a word that often gets twisted into a slight. As in when asked if something is good and answered that it is creative. It gets used to insinuate negativity. She may not get much house work done but at least she's creative. This somehow gets funneled into the "when are you going to grow up?" Negativity. Because being creative, taking time to be creative is childish.
Except it's not.
I'm in my 40s. I think as far as when am I going up-been there, done that. Paid my bills. If I want to dress up in costume with other people who dress up in costume and have a tea party. I'm still a grown up. Being Creative does not make me less so.
Not being Creative is actually childish. It's suppressing a vital part of who I am in order to prove that Im grown up and they only people who need to prove that they are grown ups are kids. My 4 year old grandson says he's big all the time. And so when I put the sketch book away. Stop writing my "little" stories and coloring in coloring books I'm acting like a 4 year old.
Being Creative is not only acceptable if it produces professional grade things. It's a need I have. Its how I express myself. It's who I am and doesn't need to be justified further than that.
Once I understand that. Once I stop needing permission to be Creative and stop needing my creative works to be professional looking to justify the adult time I took to make them I am as a whole a lot happier and a lot more powerful.
My Creativity fuels my esteem. I made that. I wrote that. I sang that. and it pleased myself.
As my esteem gets stronger it becomes easier to fight the good fight against Depression.
So the next time you hear that Train of Suck speaking smack about you being lazy lame or childish because you doodle, dress up, fold paper cranes or what ever activity you are doing that up till those negative thoughts were fueling your esteem - you can shout is back down because you are Creative, and Creativity is a good thing.
Smell of the day: fresh cut apple
Sound of the Day: Floorboard wood creak when stepped on by the cats.
Except it's not.
I'm in my 40s. I think as far as when am I going up-been there, done that. Paid my bills. If I want to dress up in costume with other people who dress up in costume and have a tea party. I'm still a grown up. Being Creative does not make me less so.
Not being Creative is actually childish. It's suppressing a vital part of who I am in order to prove that Im grown up and they only people who need to prove that they are grown ups are kids. My 4 year old grandson says he's big all the time. And so when I put the sketch book away. Stop writing my "little" stories and coloring in coloring books I'm acting like a 4 year old.
Being Creative is not only acceptable if it produces professional grade things. It's a need I have. Its how I express myself. It's who I am and doesn't need to be justified further than that.
Once I understand that. Once I stop needing permission to be Creative and stop needing my creative works to be professional looking to justify the adult time I took to make them I am as a whole a lot happier and a lot more powerful.
My Creativity fuels my esteem. I made that. I wrote that. I sang that. and it pleased myself.
As my esteem gets stronger it becomes easier to fight the good fight against Depression.
So the next time you hear that Train of Suck speaking smack about you being lazy lame or childish because you doodle, dress up, fold paper cranes or what ever activity you are doing that up till those negative thoughts were fueling your esteem - you can shout is back down because you are Creative, and Creativity is a good thing.
Smell of the day: fresh cut apple
Sound of the Day: Floorboard wood creak when stepped on by the cats.
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