Dear Depression, Christmas Eve.

Dear Depression,

I know your feeling neglected. No one can see you inside me.  It's Christmas and therefore I need to seem cheerful and happy.  But I know you're there.  You are not alone this season.

Even if the commercialism of the shopping season wasn't subtly (and not so subtly) telling everyone that more equals love, so spend more, get more and show your love.

Extended family time after a while presses against old emotional bruising and makes new ones. Swallowing anger, annoyance, anxiety for the sake of family is stressful.

I know your afraid.  your efforts aren't going to be good enough.  And that's because I never feel good enough.

But I've learned that many of the things I'd do to soothe those "not good enough" feelings would actually made me feel more stressed anxious in the long run because they were based on the idea that there was something I could do to suddenly and magically become good enough.

Think of it this way.  Some people don't like marshmallow. (I know right?)  you can't give them marshmallows in disguise and suddenly their feeling of not liking marshmallows is going to go away. It's just the way they feel.  It's nothing you do.

Ok, I know your about to say be sometimes people change and they like something they didn't before.

So now your wondering why I'm smiling Depression. Because it's a very hopeful thing.

It means one day maybe I'll change the way I feel about me.  See if anyone else gives me love its like me giving them marshmallows.  if they aren't open to change, if they just really don't want marshmallows then nothing I can do with marshmallows will change their feelings.

And lets look at my family shall we?  How much love radiates from them towards me? If being loved enough could change me then wouldn't Michael's first kiss have cured me? Or his last kiss this morning? Or Babyboy telling me he loves his Mommom? Or Dalys? Or My Mom?  Can you see all that love like piled like a mountain of marshmallows?  and yet here I am day after day still not feeling good enough.

Thats because I need to change the way I feel about myself, Depression. I need to believe I am good enough.

It's easier to believe in Santa Claus.  (which face it, you know down deep I love believing that the love that we feel for our fellow human beings can manifest miracles - including a certain the mysterious appearance of a certain elderly fellow - giving what is needed to those in desperate need ...just saying)

But my Christmas gift to us, Depression, is to open myself to believe I could be good enough. It's not as easy as flipping a switch because I really don't like myself.  So to start I need to embrace my imperfections.  Thats going to take lots of practice.

We are going to start by celebrating the imperfections of the holiday.

Imperfections are awesome. they lead to adventures, discoveries and hilarious stories to be told later.
So, You and me Depression, we are going to wrap those presents well, but no longer perfectly.  We will bake those cookies well, and notice how imperfect cookies taste and make the house smell.  This holiday is going to be full of imperfections.  Don't try and hide them or from them, laugh at them and include them in everything.

And remember, I love you.

sound of the day: Codec by Zed
smell of the day: scotch tape

Dec 11th Word of the Day: Should

Should and its twin Shouldn't are very sneaky agents of Depression.

I may need to put up wanted posters of these nefarious words.

Do not be fooled by their innocent visage - the twins Should and Shouldn't are like Hansel & Gretel. When I use them they make me feel like a witch and then toss me in an oven to burn for the things I didn't do.

Every time Should crosses my lips I'm judging myself.  

I use it and think it after I've already done a THING.

I Should have known better, Should have been prepared, Should have been more adult. Should be More and Better, and NOT whatever it is I am right now.

Every Should is a Shiv.  They even sound the same. Shivs that are shoved into my already wounded esteem to chip and stab.

Should means that AM is not good enough.

Now I know you can use should and shouldn't in a helpful manner. "You should turn down grove street rather than taking pine street because the bridge on cypress is now open and closer to home."  See thats helpful. but thats not how I use should.  I use should when I'm already crossing the pine street bridge feeling anxious and late, and then the thought hits me "You should have used the cypress bridge now your going to be late." there is nothing I can do about that now.  so not only do I feel anxious I also get to blame myself for not being smarter or wiser or whatever.

How about this—I'm depressed, I'm tired from a full day of work, I'm finally resting in my chair. "you should decorate the house. you should clean. you should make christmas cookies..."

See what I'm doing here? I'm attacking myself and not letting myself Replenish.
If I were to tell myself "your not good enough." I could just give myself the finger and be done with it. Instead I use Should, suddenly I'm feeling like I'm not good enough.  and the train of suck is back in my head just like that to run me down.

So be wary of Should.  It's not your friend. Its not innocent or wise.  It's another way to judge yourself and find yourself wanting. it's another way to never be good enough.

When you find yourself using should stop in your tracks.

Just stop.

Recognize that you are enough.

Recognize that whatever it is you were about to say using Should is hurtful.

Recognize you are flawed and imperfect and Good Enough.

In fact, say that.

"I should have...-but thats ok because this is good enough. I am good enough."  Block that self harm with some self truth.  What ever your doing, what ever you can manage, is good enough.

You are the best you there ever was and ever will be. Nobody can be you like you can. Nobody can be you better. So You are ALWAYS going to be good enough.

Remember to love yourself today.  I love you even if its hard to do (especially if its hard to do.)

Smell of the day: Peppermint Altoid breath.
Sound of the day: soft click of the mouse's scroll wheel.

Update: My December Depression

Its beating the crap out of me.

sometimes my depression gets me like a dream 10 minutes after I've woken. I know there was stuff. Like I know I have words and reasons, but I've forgotten them. I just know the sadness.

Its familiar. Its hard to remember to fight.

I mean I will. and I am,

but I don't know if its just December because this has been a regularly tough month.

I  can't seem to find my rhythm. Decorating, holiday prep. it feels a little overwhelming and I just can't seem to push myself- which is terrible because I have family in the house, and I'll regret not making an effort.

But I'm just tired. and sad.

So I know I'm not allowed to wallow.
and I have tools. and words and reasons.
I have fight in me.

Just not today.

that has to be ok, because sometimes just getting through is the best I can do.

So if I loved me, like I'm trying to love me, I'd tell me this:

December is full of depression land minds. There are hidden expectations and a count down. Count downs are anxious making.

You are lovely. The best gift you can give your family is taking as much time as you need to deal with those feelings. It will be ok.  Ask for help. Ask for hugs. Remember the key to self soothing is in the senses. Feel soft things, smell roses, taste honey and listen to music. You don't need to impress anyone.

If your reading this and finding December hard, your not alone.  Depression makes us feel isolated. I get you. Your going to be ok. I am too.  Maybe tomorrow we can both find a happy.