Dear Depression,
I know your feeling neglected. No one can see you inside me. It's Christmas and therefore I need to seem cheerful and happy. But I know you're there. You are not alone this season.
Even if the commercialism of the shopping season wasn't subtly (and not so subtly) telling everyone that more equals love, so spend more, get more and show your love.
Extended family time after a while presses against old emotional bruising and makes new ones. Swallowing anger, annoyance, anxiety for the sake of family is stressful.
I know your afraid. your efforts aren't going to be good enough. And that's because I never feel good enough.
But I've learned that many of the things I'd do to soothe those "not good enough" feelings would actually made me feel more stressed anxious in the long run because they were based on the idea that there was something I could do to suddenly and magically become good enough.
Think of it this way. Some people don't like marshmallow. (I know right?) you can't give them marshmallows in disguise and suddenly their feeling of not liking marshmallows is going to go away. It's just the way they feel. It's nothing you do.
Ok, I know your about to say be sometimes people change and they like something they didn't before.
So now your wondering why I'm smiling Depression. Because it's a very hopeful thing.
It means one day maybe I'll change the way I feel about me. See if anyone else gives me love its like me giving them marshmallows. if they aren't open to change, if they just really don't want marshmallows then nothing I can do with marshmallows will change their feelings.
And lets look at my family shall we? How much love radiates from them towards me? If being loved enough could change me then wouldn't Michael's first kiss have cured me? Or his last kiss this morning? Or Babyboy telling me he loves his Mommom? Or Dalys? Or My Mom? Can you see all that love like piled like a mountain of marshmallows? and yet here I am day after day still not feeling good enough.
Thats because I need to change the way I feel about myself, Depression. I need to believe I am good enough.
It's easier to believe in Santa Claus. (which face it, you know down deep I love believing that the love that we feel for our fellow human beings can manifest miracles - including a certain the mysterious appearance of a certain elderly fellow - giving what is needed to those in desperate need ...just saying)
But my Christmas gift to us, Depression, is to open myself to believe I could be good enough. It's not as easy as flipping a switch because I really don't like myself. So to start I need to embrace my imperfections. Thats going to take lots of practice.
We are going to start by celebrating the imperfections of the holiday.
Imperfections are awesome. they lead to adventures, discoveries and hilarious stories to be told later.
So, You and me Depression, we are going to wrap those presents well, but no longer perfectly. We will bake those cookies well, and notice how imperfect cookies taste and make the house smell. This holiday is going to be full of imperfections. Don't try and hide them or from them, laugh at them and include them in everything.
And remember, I love you.
sound of the day: Codec by Zed
smell of the day: scotch tape
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