Dear Auntie Depression,

I'm rather happy today. My Marriage is 20 years old this week. I celebrated it with a big party on sunday and friends and family showed up.  More than I expected.

Michael and I worked as a team to put the party together. We worked as a team to make photo books of our lives together this first score of years. We work together nicely and have been cuddling more lately.

I am so blessed with good things.

I need this blog today to remember for me tomorrow, that I was happy. Things were busy full and stressful and I am happy.

Depression forgets what this feels like.

I am cozy tired. I can feel my face has a small smile. I feel very loved and wanted. And worthy. And still young.

I got to see my littlest grandson walk with Dalys holding his hands up. He is such a little doll baby.

I got to see Adrian Joanna and Kate, Joe, Bill, Bill, Michelle, Carl and Michele.  As well as our local friends and all of our family.

and today, the ruins of the party around us, Michael and I just relaxed for the day. It was healing.

I feel good.  I will feel good again no matter what happens tomorrow.

please reread this when the next grey day comes.

I will feel good again. I promise.

Depression Confessions: Holidays Hurt Like Hell

I've wrapped gifts, done chores, and made cookies. I should be feeling proud of myself. Instead, I feel like nothing I'm doing is going to matter. I feel like I'm a  failure - like I should look for a bomb shelter and wait it out.

I'm wise enough to know this is anxiety brought on by the Holidays and nothing more. 

I'm fine. That is I'm not fine, I'm scared and sad, but that's ok, there is nothing to be scared of or sad over. It's just the time of year. 

Also. First Christmas without my cat.

Yes, I have 3 other cats, but none of them are Basil. They don't even try and interrupt me when I'm wrapping paper. They don't follow me into the bathroom to watch out for me while I'm doing my business, they don't meow when they see me coming. They love me in other ways but Basil was my cat. Christmas without him sucks. I didn't even put up the tree this year.

I'm going to do some self-soothing. Maybe take a nap because I can. Not worry about what I do or don't get done. Think of something to look forward too.

Love yourselves a little harder. Give yourselves slack. Things don't need to be perfect. And remember that bad feelings eventually pass.

Originally Posted on Facebook, December 22, 2016

Depression Confessions: Tossing my Cookies

On good days I can feel so great I get excited and make plans bigger than me. And then I scare myself. What was I thinking? Why did I say that? WHY DO I SUCK SO MUCH?????

I don't suck so much. I don't suck at all really. I may sabotage myself, but not purposely, I mean if I were in a cast (which is what depression can feel like, a cast on your soul) and then it gets taken off suddenly I am certain I'd want to run and dance and do all the things I couldn't do while I was in the cast and over do it and have to rest.

It's like that. I overdid recently. I was happy and not depressed and I thought Selling cookies was a brilliant idea because I was full of I CAN-

but then After-Anxiety hit me for making promises I'm not sure I can keep. After-Anxiety is the consequence of too much I CAN.

SO, I will NOT be selling cookies. 

I may still send some to people if I feel up to it. 

But not for money and only If I'm still feeling up to it.

The Holiday Season is full of temptations and ambitions. 

To all my depressed lovely friends out there. 

Make plans to be happy, but if you're not feeling right don't push. 

You are more important that any promise or plans you make. 

Believe me, everyone who loves you would rather know your feeling ok then see you happy only to find out you were kinda of dying inside.

Originally Posted on Facebook, December 13, 2016

Depression Confessions: Sad But not Depressed

Today has been a hard day today. But I discovered that there is a difference between missing kids you can't have and missing kids you did have if only briefly.

In my 12 years as a foster mom, I got to mother some really special girls.

I'll always miss Kayla. She was awkward in the right ways and full of happy energy. She had a mind full of stories, loved playing games teasing people and being teased. She was affectionate and used to hug a lot. She loved learning new things.

I'll always miss Sol. She fit in our lives like she was meant to be there. One she settled in she was full of happy noises always wiggling, dancing, singing. She loved being read to, doing crafts, and butter. Her first name was Nilda, and when we'd have potatoes she'd always ask for a "Nilda bit of butter" She was a cuddler and very loving.

Today I found myself grieving not because I can't conceive, but because I miss the children that were in my house and are now out in the world somewhere. I loved them as my own.

And then I talked for about an hour with my Daughter, Dalys Miller, the one I got to keep. The one who keeps giving me joy. One the phone I could hear Liam making happy baby noises in the background. And Jaedyn came down and said Hi Mum-mum.

I am so lucky. I am her mom. And She is an amazing mom. She painted her kitchen this week. She impresses the hell out of me. Evie is feeling her terrible twos, and Liam is beginning to teeth, and still my daughter managed that plus painting a kitchen. I mean that's kinda awesome, right?

After talking to her and feeling the gratitude that I was given the gift of raising Dalys, I felt better.

This is the point where I say something hopefully helpful for those that are also struggling. 

All I got for you at this point is sometimes it's good to weep. 

You can weep and not wallow. 

I can't get out from under this grief if I don't let myself cry over my losses. I am allowed to be sad about this. It doesn't make me weak, or selfish, or unstable. It makes me stronger to accept that even after many years losing my special girls hurts like hell. I think that tells me how deeply I loved them. 

And that's a good thing. I have a heart full of love. Love hurts.

I am a better person for having these experiences. I am strong for accepting that its ok to be weak.

To those of you who have at different times told me my writing has meant something to you. You give me strength and are proof that I am not alone. We may all be fighting our Depression in different ways for different reasons, but we are not alone. The struggle is real. I am not alone.

Writing this makes me feel heard. 

Makes me feel connected. 

Makes me feel empowered.

I am able to reach the place where I believe in myself again. 

Where I believe I can love myself for who I am. 

I believe I can win my battle with Depression. 

I can cry and be sad and not fear that I'll slip back into the murk. 

I am better now. 

Sad but not Depressed. (<---I need that on a button)

Originally Published on Facebook December 8. 2016

Depression Confessions: Infertility Sucks Ass

I have a headache this morning.

Stress + Dehydration + Misery Trigger

Infertility still kicks my ass. It hits me first with the mourned loss of not having been able to conceive. Then with body shame for not being a "normal" woman. Then envy-rage because someone else can. Then powerful Guilt Shame - for being unhappy about someone else's good fortune. And tells me this is proof of me being a selfish bad person.

Panic - get over this before anyone notices.

Shame - why do you have to cry over every little thing.

So massive headache.

IBS triggered so belly pain and plumbing problems. 

So Dehydration from IBS adds a headache and general body aches. 

Loss of appetite, loss of motivation. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't wake up.

Last night and this morning have not been fun. But I don't have to give in. I can mourn my losses and celebrate my sister's miracle because both are real. I can be excited about a new family member and weep a little that I didn't get a miracle - and here's the kicker

If someone were handing out miracles, I'd've likely given my Miracle to my sister anyway. 

She's younger, and a great mommy and I can't wait to meet my new nephew/niece. 

With all she's had to shoulder she could use a few more miracles, and I am honestly happy for her.

But I can't hide my grief. 

I used to have to. 

Couldn't let anyone know or see. that would be selfish. That would be wrong-

Yeah. Fuck that. 

I'm in pain. 

This Hurts.

AND

It's going to hurt each and every time. 

It's part of who I am.

Fighting Depression means accepting who I am without having to hide it or feel guilty or whatever. Fighting Depression means challenging the old way of dealing with this situation and turning it around.

Infertility hurts. I am not a robot. I am a human woman who feels this pain and accepts this pain.

Physically I'm going to drink a heck of a lot more WATER and take more Tylenol. And some Vitamin D.(<-- That stuff is great)

I'm going to self-care with music and I'm going to make more cookies. Make Happy House smells. I'm going to sing. If I get weepy again I'm going to cry.

I'm rejecting Shame and Guilt. Fie on you twin blades of Depression. Tears make me feel better.

I am going to love myself for who I am. and I'm going to percolate on a story idea involving Fairys, infertility, and changelings.

But I'm going to fight this. Because loving myself is worth fighting for. Because grief is understandable, and normal and ok. 

Ooo and Imma make me a fight music playlist.

If you're also fighting the good fight - know that you're not alone. 

Tis the season of triggers. 

You are worth fighting for. 

Self Acceptance and Self Love is attainable and worth fighting for.

Originally published on Facebook December 7, 2016

Depression Confessions: You might feel alone, but you are not.

Last week was really bad. Each day I was fighting the "You Suck" voices. 

I had this awful dream last Saturday kicking if off and the normal anxiety rise was building this deep self-loathing. Or as my therapist wants me to say self-double-plus-ungood. Words are important. don't use loathing as it gives depression extra power.

By Friday I could see the hurt in my husband's eyes. He wanted to help but there was nothing he could do for me.

This Saturday I had therapy and I don't know exactly what it was that we discussed, I don't remember.

It's a blind spot. But whatever it was, the pain is gone. 

Saturday, Sunday, Today. My inside is all quiet. Crickets and tumbleweeds where there had been roiling snakes hissing at me. I feel like myself again. and importantly I like me.

I learned that perhaps I need more vitamin D. I've been taking over the counter supplements since this weekend and I am feeling a little lift in my energy levels. That makes me hopeful.

If you're struggling with your depression right now. You're not alone. 

Depression tells you, that your too much work, too much of a burden-

Depression lies. 

You are worth every smile given, and every smile you fight to give. 

You are worth the time and care it takes, no matter how long it takes till the Depression passes. Because it will pass. Maybe not today. But it will pass. 

And I'll be here with you when it does, to celebrate the ability to feel happy again.

Originally published on Facebook November 28, 2016

Depression Confession: Depression will Lie to you in your sleep!

I Woke up from a dream where friends and family left me. 

I was too fat for them. 

Too unclean. Too ugly. 

One at a time they came up to me and told me that they didn't really like me, but didn't want to say anything in front of the others because that would make them look bad.

This is not true. My physical being does not determine my worth. I am loved. and I am likable. But Depression still whispers how worthless I am to me. Still, reminds me that the fight goes on.

SO, Im-a cry a bit today. But I'm going to laugh too! I'm going to keep fighting depression. Even if it comes at me in my sleep.

Somedays Depression will be sneaky like that. 

Remember when you can that Depression lies. 

There is no puzzle here. My friends and family do not secretly dislike me and wish I would just go away.

If your battling Depression - never forget it lies. If you find yourself questioning your self-worth. Depression probably got a knife made of lies in there. 

You are still as awesome as you have ever been, it's just the fight that continues.

Originally posted on Facebook November 20th, 2016

Depression Confession: Do 12 things perfectly. Make one mistake. I SUUUUUCK!!!!!

Don't let your typos trigger self-bashing.
-but if you have-
To be fair, spend equal time praising yourself for each of the 12 things you did right.
Thats right! say it with me:
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I'm awesome,
I suck.

See? now the suck isn't so bad is it?
Remember, you are awesome 12 times more than you ever suck.

Originally posted on Facebook January 17, 2017

Depression Confession: The Big Con - Or Being Depressed at your Favorite Game Convention.

If you were at Dreamation 2017, you likely saw me, possibly played with me, we hugged or air hugged depending on the day and how contagious I might have been. (norovirus is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, let alone 30-50 of my dearest friends). We laughed, we chitchatted, "reuned" if you will. Dreamation feels like my family reunion. And I know I was smiles. And those smiles were genuine.

But as happy as I was. I was also holding back the urge to stay in the room, curl up and weep. Because Depression is my invisible companion.

Now, that urge is natural. It's fine. It's the way my brain works just now. And fighting that urge is tiring, but my current normal.

I'm doing well. Good on me for getting up and not weeping. It's a gold star day.

But I'm at Dreamation.

Instead of getting a gold star I turn on myself-

"Whats wrong with you? This is Dreamation. You're not allowed to be depressed at Dreamation."
"WTF- you're surrounded by people who love you, who are genuinely happy just to see you. Are you so broken now that there is nothing that will make you happy?"
"If you can't be happy here, you can't be happy anywhere."
"If you can't be happy here it's going to be so much worse when you get home."

AND of course, this gives my brain an opening to sharpen its knives-

"Why must you talk about yourself so much? You're so selfish."

"You're not as funny or witty as you think you are. Just stop."

"Don't be an emotional burden to anyone."

"People are happier without you bringing them down"

Because that's the way Depression works. It nests, lingers, waits for a moment of vulnerability and then whispers its lies. And they are lies.

I packed Depression with me and brought it along because it's part of who I am.

and I work with it every day, so really that part about not staying in the room and crying.

THATS A GOLD STAR DAY no matter where I am or what else if going on.

The fact that I carry this emotional Backpack, it's like my lost teeth, and my big fat leg, or my weight in general, anyone that's gonna judge me or think less of me for them - were never people I wanted to be close to anyway.

This is why it's important when traveling with depression to have a self-care plan.

-My self-care plan involves having people who know my deal that I can just sit with and recenter.

Take the time for self-care. I waited until Saturday afternoon trying to brave it out myself. But finally I realized I needed to use my self-care plan and sought out one of the people on my list who know my deal and I feel safe being vulnerable with.

I found my safe person and sat with her and we socialized for a bit, and just sitting helped me take a little pressure off myself. And then she asked me How I was doing. And when she asks I can honestly tell her "I'm not happy. I want to be. I should be. This is the place that makes me the happiest and I have no reason no to be but I'm just not." It was hard to confess, my eyes got watery and threatened to let loose some tears.

She gave my hand a squeeze and replied with "Brains are stupid." (I love her for that)

Brains are stupid. With that small sentence, I can fight back against Depression and the lies it whispers.

so the next "You talk about yourself too much" I hear in my head get the reply of "or maybe your just stupid, Brain."

That's all I needed to be ok with having Depression at the con. Someone to validate it was ok to be depressed, to be myself. She reminded me to give myself the gold star for getting out of bed. I was Genuinely happy on Saturday night and Sunday morning.

A Note on Self-Care people.

It is important to know the difference between when you are in crisis and when you just need to recenter. Your self-care people should be used to help re-center but if you start feeling you are headed into crisis - like you might harm yourself. like you are getting overwhelmed by traumatic emotions, go to your self-care people to get REAL help for you. Because in Crisis, you need real help.

I also have a Crisis plan.

I have my Therapists number in my phone. I can text her or call her. I have to mood tools in my phone to help de-escalate me. And my husband will get me to a safe place and ride it out if need be.

The point is I have 2 different plans.

Self-care is about centering yourself.
Crisis is about safety.