Depression Confessions: Infertility Sucks Ass

I have a headache this morning.

Stress + Dehydration + Misery Trigger

Infertility still kicks my ass. It hits me first with the mourned loss of not having been able to conceive. Then with body shame for not being a "normal" woman. Then envy-rage because someone else can. Then powerful Guilt Shame - for being unhappy about someone else's good fortune. And tells me this is proof of me being a selfish bad person.

Panic - get over this before anyone notices.

Shame - why do you have to cry over every little thing.

So massive headache.

IBS triggered so belly pain and plumbing problems. 

So Dehydration from IBS adds a headache and general body aches. 

Loss of appetite, loss of motivation. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't wake up.

Last night and this morning have not been fun. But I don't have to give in. I can mourn my losses and celebrate my sister's miracle because both are real. I can be excited about a new family member and weep a little that I didn't get a miracle - and here's the kicker

If someone were handing out miracles, I'd've likely given my Miracle to my sister anyway. 

She's younger, and a great mommy and I can't wait to meet my new nephew/niece. 

With all she's had to shoulder she could use a few more miracles, and I am honestly happy for her.

But I can't hide my grief. 

I used to have to. 

Couldn't let anyone know or see. that would be selfish. That would be wrong-

Yeah. Fuck that. 

I'm in pain. 

This Hurts.

AND

It's going to hurt each and every time. 

It's part of who I am.

Fighting Depression means accepting who I am without having to hide it or feel guilty or whatever. Fighting Depression means challenging the old way of dealing with this situation and turning it around.

Infertility hurts. I am not a robot. I am a human woman who feels this pain and accepts this pain.

Physically I'm going to drink a heck of a lot more WATER and take more Tylenol. And some Vitamin D.(<-- That stuff is great)

I'm going to self-care with music and I'm going to make more cookies. Make Happy House smells. I'm going to sing. If I get weepy again I'm going to cry.

I'm rejecting Shame and Guilt. Fie on you twin blades of Depression. Tears make me feel better.

I am going to love myself for who I am. and I'm going to percolate on a story idea involving Fairys, infertility, and changelings.

But I'm going to fight this. Because loving myself is worth fighting for. Because grief is understandable, and normal and ok. 

Ooo and Imma make me a fight music playlist.

If you're also fighting the good fight - know that you're not alone. 

Tis the season of triggers. 

You are worth fighting for. 

Self Acceptance and Self Love is attainable and worth fighting for.

Originally published on Facebook December 7, 2016