Depression Confessions: Sad But not Depressed

Today has been a hard day today. But I discovered that there is a difference between missing kids you can't have and missing kids you did have if only briefly.

In my 12 years as a foster mom, I got to mother some really special girls.

I'll always miss Kayla. She was awkward in the right ways and full of happy energy. She had a mind full of stories, loved playing games teasing people and being teased. She was affectionate and used to hug a lot. She loved learning new things.

I'll always miss Sol. She fit in our lives like she was meant to be there. One she settled in she was full of happy noises always wiggling, dancing, singing. She loved being read to, doing crafts, and butter. Her first name was Nilda, and when we'd have potatoes she'd always ask for a "Nilda bit of butter" She was a cuddler and very loving.

Today I found myself grieving not because I can't conceive, but because I miss the children that were in my house and are now out in the world somewhere. I loved them as my own.

And then I talked for about an hour with my Daughter, Dalys Miller, the one I got to keep. The one who keeps giving me joy. One the phone I could hear Liam making happy baby noises in the background. And Jaedyn came down and said Hi Mum-mum.

I am so lucky. I am her mom. And She is an amazing mom. She painted her kitchen this week. She impresses the hell out of me. Evie is feeling her terrible twos, and Liam is beginning to teeth, and still my daughter managed that plus painting a kitchen. I mean that's kinda awesome, right?

After talking to her and feeling the gratitude that I was given the gift of raising Dalys, I felt better.

This is the point where I say something hopefully helpful for those that are also struggling. 

All I got for you at this point is sometimes it's good to weep. 

You can weep and not wallow. 

I can't get out from under this grief if I don't let myself cry over my losses. I am allowed to be sad about this. It doesn't make me weak, or selfish, or unstable. It makes me stronger to accept that even after many years losing my special girls hurts like hell. I think that tells me how deeply I loved them. 

And that's a good thing. I have a heart full of love. Love hurts.

I am a better person for having these experiences. I am strong for accepting that its ok to be weak.

To those of you who have at different times told me my writing has meant something to you. You give me strength and are proof that I am not alone. We may all be fighting our Depression in different ways for different reasons, but we are not alone. The struggle is real. I am not alone.

Writing this makes me feel heard. 

Makes me feel connected. 

Makes me feel empowered.

I am able to reach the place where I believe in myself again. 

Where I believe I can love myself for who I am. 

I believe I can win my battle with Depression. 

I can cry and be sad and not fear that I'll slip back into the murk. 

I am better now. 

Sad but not Depressed. (<---I need that on a button)

Originally Published on Facebook December 8. 2016