Depression Confession: The Big Con - Or Being Depressed at your Favorite Game Convention.

If you were at Dreamation 2017, you likely saw me, possibly played with me, we hugged or air hugged depending on the day and how contagious I might have been. (norovirus is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, let alone 30-50 of my dearest friends). We laughed, we chitchatted, "reuned" if you will. Dreamation feels like my family reunion. And I know I was smiles. And those smiles were genuine.

But as happy as I was. I was also holding back the urge to stay in the room, curl up and weep. Because Depression is my invisible companion.

Now, that urge is natural. It's fine. It's the way my brain works just now. And fighting that urge is tiring, but my current normal.

I'm doing well. Good on me for getting up and not weeping. It's a gold star day.

But I'm at Dreamation.

Instead of getting a gold star I turn on myself-

"Whats wrong with you? This is Dreamation. You're not allowed to be depressed at Dreamation."
"WTF- you're surrounded by people who love you, who are genuinely happy just to see you. Are you so broken now that there is nothing that will make you happy?"
"If you can't be happy here, you can't be happy anywhere."
"If you can't be happy here it's going to be so much worse when you get home."

AND of course, this gives my brain an opening to sharpen its knives-

"Why must you talk about yourself so much? You're so selfish."

"You're not as funny or witty as you think you are. Just stop."

"Don't be an emotional burden to anyone."

"People are happier without you bringing them down"

Because that's the way Depression works. It nests, lingers, waits for a moment of vulnerability and then whispers its lies. And they are lies.

I packed Depression with me and brought it along because it's part of who I am.

and I work with it every day, so really that part about not staying in the room and crying.

THATS A GOLD STAR DAY no matter where I am or what else if going on.

The fact that I carry this emotional Backpack, it's like my lost teeth, and my big fat leg, or my weight in general, anyone that's gonna judge me or think less of me for them - were never people I wanted to be close to anyway.

This is why it's important when traveling with depression to have a self-care plan.

-My self-care plan involves having people who know my deal that I can just sit with and recenter.

Take the time for self-care. I waited until Saturday afternoon trying to brave it out myself. But finally I realized I needed to use my self-care plan and sought out one of the people on my list who know my deal and I feel safe being vulnerable with.

I found my safe person and sat with her and we socialized for a bit, and just sitting helped me take a little pressure off myself. And then she asked me How I was doing. And when she asks I can honestly tell her "I'm not happy. I want to be. I should be. This is the place that makes me the happiest and I have no reason no to be but I'm just not." It was hard to confess, my eyes got watery and threatened to let loose some tears.

She gave my hand a squeeze and replied with "Brains are stupid." (I love her for that)

Brains are stupid. With that small sentence, I can fight back against Depression and the lies it whispers.

so the next "You talk about yourself too much" I hear in my head get the reply of "or maybe your just stupid, Brain."

That's all I needed to be ok with having Depression at the con. Someone to validate it was ok to be depressed, to be myself. She reminded me to give myself the gold star for getting out of bed. I was Genuinely happy on Saturday night and Sunday morning.

A Note on Self-Care people.

It is important to know the difference between when you are in crisis and when you just need to recenter. Your self-care people should be used to help re-center but if you start feeling you are headed into crisis - like you might harm yourself. like you are getting overwhelmed by traumatic emotions, go to your self-care people to get REAL help for you. Because in Crisis, you need real help.

I also have a Crisis plan.

I have my Therapists number in my phone. I can text her or call her. I have to mood tools in my phone to help de-escalate me. And my husband will get me to a safe place and ride it out if need be.

The point is I have 2 different plans.

Self-care is about centering yourself.
Crisis is about safety.