Dear Depression,
I know your feeling neglected. No one can see you inside me. It's Christmas and therefore I need to seem cheerful and happy. But I know you're there. You are not alone this season.
Even if the commercialism of the shopping season wasn't subtly (and not so subtly) telling everyone that more equals love, so spend more, get more and show your love.
Extended family time after a while presses against old emotional bruising and makes new ones. Swallowing anger, annoyance, anxiety for the sake of family is stressful.
I know your afraid. your efforts aren't going to be good enough. And that's because I never feel good enough.
But I've learned that many of the things I'd do to soothe those "not good enough" feelings would actually made me feel more stressed anxious in the long run because they were based on the idea that there was something I could do to suddenly and magically become good enough.
Think of it this way. Some people don't like marshmallow. (I know right?) you can't give them marshmallows in disguise and suddenly their feeling of not liking marshmallows is going to go away. It's just the way they feel. It's nothing you do.
Ok, I know your about to say be sometimes people change and they like something they didn't before.
So now your wondering why I'm smiling Depression. Because it's a very hopeful thing.
It means one day maybe I'll change the way I feel about me. See if anyone else gives me love its like me giving them marshmallows. if they aren't open to change, if they just really don't want marshmallows then nothing I can do with marshmallows will change their feelings.
And lets look at my family shall we? How much love radiates from them towards me? If being loved enough could change me then wouldn't Michael's first kiss have cured me? Or his last kiss this morning? Or Babyboy telling me he loves his Mommom? Or Dalys? Or My Mom? Can you see all that love like piled like a mountain of marshmallows? and yet here I am day after day still not feeling good enough.
Thats because I need to change the way I feel about myself, Depression. I need to believe I am good enough.
It's easier to believe in Santa Claus. (which face it, you know down deep I love believing that the love that we feel for our fellow human beings can manifest miracles - including a certain the mysterious appearance of a certain elderly fellow - giving what is needed to those in desperate need ...just saying)
But my Christmas gift to us, Depression, is to open myself to believe I could be good enough. It's not as easy as flipping a switch because I really don't like myself. So to start I need to embrace my imperfections. Thats going to take lots of practice.
We are going to start by celebrating the imperfections of the holiday.
Imperfections are awesome. they lead to adventures, discoveries and hilarious stories to be told later.
So, You and me Depression, we are going to wrap those presents well, but no longer perfectly. We will bake those cookies well, and notice how imperfect cookies taste and make the house smell. This holiday is going to be full of imperfections. Don't try and hide them or from them, laugh at them and include them in everything.
And remember, I love you.
sound of the day: Codec by Zed
smell of the day: scotch tape
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Friday, December 11, 2015
Dec 11th Word of the Day: Should
Should and its twin Shouldn't are very sneaky agents of Depression.
I may need to put up wanted posters of these nefarious words.
Do not be fooled by their innocent visage - the twins Should and Shouldn't are like Hansel & Gretel. When I use them they make me feel like a witch and then toss me in an oven to burn for the things I didn't do.
Every time Should crosses my lips I'm judging myself.
I use it and think it after I've already done a THING.
I Should have known better, Should have been prepared, Should have been more adult. Should be More and Better, and NOT whatever it is I am right now.
Every Should is a Shiv. They even sound the same. Shivs that are shoved into my already wounded esteem to chip and stab.
Should means that AM is not good enough.
Now I know you can use should and shouldn't in a helpful manner. "You should turn down grove street rather than taking pine street because the bridge on cypress is now open and closer to home." See thats helpful. but thats not how I use should. I use should when I'm already crossing the pine street bridge feeling anxious and late, and then the thought hits me "You should have used the cypress bridge now your going to be late." there is nothing I can do about that now. so not only do I feel anxious I also get to blame myself for not being smarter or wiser or whatever.
How about this—I'm depressed, I'm tired from a full day of work, I'm finally resting in my chair. "you should decorate the house. you should clean. you should make christmas cookies..."
See what I'm doing here? I'm attacking myself and not letting myself Replenish.
If I were to tell myself "your not good enough." I could just give myself the finger and be done with it. Instead I use Should, suddenly I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. and the train of suck is back in my head just like that to run me down.
So be wary of Should. It's not your friend. Its not innocent or wise. It's another way to judge yourself and find yourself wanting. it's another way to never be good enough.
When you find yourself using should stop in your tracks.
Just stop.
Recognize that you are enough.
Recognize that whatever it is you were about to say using Should is hurtful.
Recognize you are flawed and imperfect and Good Enough.
In fact, say that.
"I should have...-but thats ok because this is good enough. I am good enough." Block that self harm with some self truth. What ever your doing, what ever you can manage, is good enough.
You are the best you there ever was and ever will be. Nobody can be you like you can. Nobody can be you better. So You are ALWAYS going to be good enough.
Remember to love yourself today. I love you even if its hard to do (especially if its hard to do.)
Smell of the day: Peppermint Altoid breath.
Sound of the day: soft click of the mouse's scroll wheel.
I may need to put up wanted posters of these nefarious words.
Do not be fooled by their innocent visage - the twins Should and Shouldn't are like Hansel & Gretel. When I use them they make me feel like a witch and then toss me in an oven to burn for the things I didn't do.
Every time Should crosses my lips I'm judging myself.
I use it and think it after I've already done a THING.
I Should have known better, Should have been prepared, Should have been more adult. Should be More and Better, and NOT whatever it is I am right now.
Every Should is a Shiv. They even sound the same. Shivs that are shoved into my already wounded esteem to chip and stab.
Should means that AM is not good enough.
Now I know you can use should and shouldn't in a helpful manner. "You should turn down grove street rather than taking pine street because the bridge on cypress is now open and closer to home." See thats helpful. but thats not how I use should. I use should when I'm already crossing the pine street bridge feeling anxious and late, and then the thought hits me "You should have used the cypress bridge now your going to be late." there is nothing I can do about that now. so not only do I feel anxious I also get to blame myself for not being smarter or wiser or whatever.
How about this—I'm depressed, I'm tired from a full day of work, I'm finally resting in my chair. "you should decorate the house. you should clean. you should make christmas cookies..."
See what I'm doing here? I'm attacking myself and not letting myself Replenish.
If I were to tell myself "your not good enough." I could just give myself the finger and be done with it. Instead I use Should, suddenly I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. and the train of suck is back in my head just like that to run me down.
So be wary of Should. It's not your friend. Its not innocent or wise. It's another way to judge yourself and find yourself wanting. it's another way to never be good enough.
When you find yourself using should stop in your tracks.
Just stop.
Recognize that you are enough.
Recognize that whatever it is you were about to say using Should is hurtful.
Recognize you are flawed and imperfect and Good Enough.
In fact, say that.
"I should have...-but thats ok because this is good enough. I am good enough." Block that self harm with some self truth. What ever your doing, what ever you can manage, is good enough.
You are the best you there ever was and ever will be. Nobody can be you like you can. Nobody can be you better. So You are ALWAYS going to be good enough.
Remember to love yourself today. I love you even if its hard to do (especially if its hard to do.)
Smell of the day: Peppermint Altoid breath.
Sound of the day: soft click of the mouse's scroll wheel.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Update: My December Depression
Its beating the crap out of me.
sometimes my depression gets me like a dream 10 minutes after I've woken. I know there was stuff. Like I know I have words and reasons, but I've forgotten them. I just know the sadness.
Its familiar. Its hard to remember to fight.
I mean I will. and I am,
but I don't know if its just December because this has been a regularly tough month.
I can't seem to find my rhythm. Decorating, holiday prep. it feels a little overwhelming and I just can't seem to push myself- which is terrible because I have family in the house, and I'll regret not making an effort.
But I'm just tired. and sad.
So I know I'm not allowed to wallow.
and I have tools. and words and reasons.
I have fight in me.
Just not today.
that has to be ok, because sometimes just getting through is the best I can do.
So if I loved me, like I'm trying to love me, I'd tell me this:
December is full of depression land minds. There are hidden expectations and a count down. Count downs are anxious making.
You are lovely. The best gift you can give your family is taking as much time as you need to deal with those feelings. It will be ok. Ask for help. Ask for hugs. Remember the key to self soothing is in the senses. Feel soft things, smell roses, taste honey and listen to music. You don't need to impress anyone.
If your reading this and finding December hard, your not alone. Depression makes us feel isolated. I get you. Your going to be ok. I am too. Maybe tomorrow we can both find a happy.
sometimes my depression gets me like a dream 10 minutes after I've woken. I know there was stuff. Like I know I have words and reasons, but I've forgotten them. I just know the sadness.
Its familiar. Its hard to remember to fight.
I mean I will. and I am,
but I don't know if its just December because this has been a regularly tough month.
I can't seem to find my rhythm. Decorating, holiday prep. it feels a little overwhelming and I just can't seem to push myself- which is terrible because I have family in the house, and I'll regret not making an effort.
But I'm just tired. and sad.
So I know I'm not allowed to wallow.
and I have tools. and words and reasons.
I have fight in me.
Just not today.
that has to be ok, because sometimes just getting through is the best I can do.
So if I loved me, like I'm trying to love me, I'd tell me this:
December is full of depression land minds. There are hidden expectations and a count down. Count downs are anxious making.
You are lovely. The best gift you can give your family is taking as much time as you need to deal with those feelings. It will be ok. Ask for help. Ask for hugs. Remember the key to self soothing is in the senses. Feel soft things, smell roses, taste honey and listen to music. You don't need to impress anyone.
If your reading this and finding December hard, your not alone. Depression makes us feel isolated. I get you. Your going to be ok. I am too. Maybe tomorrow we can both find a happy.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Taking my Social Anxiety out to play.
Social Anxiety.
So I'm a gamer. It's like being a sports fan only my sport is board games, table top role playing games, live action role playing games, and multi player online role playing games. Desk top computer games. . . so most games. Kinda like the sports fan who likes basketball, hockey, football, soccer, tennis, bowling . . .because sports are fun.
The thing about being a gamer for me is that single player games, like solitaire, and computer games are less fun for me than social gaming.
But social gaming means bringing my depression and anxiety with me in front of other people. I feel like others have to be able to see my cracks, and open wounds. I feel like I'm going to let people down and I feel like they don't like me anyway.
The train of suck gets bonus miles to run me down in social situations.
But I want to be social. I want to game. While gaming my depression and anxiety are easier to ignore. Till the game is over. Then bang! "You sucked. No one really had any fun." These are the lies of the train of suck.
The trick is that when you k ow your anxiety is loud inside you, take a moment. Trust your friends. If they aren't having a good time because of you let them come to you and tell you. Trust them over your own feelings, because you already know how you're feeling is being colored by Depression and Anxiety.
Ask yourself, was it bad? No? Then it was good.
I try complimenting another player. It helps shift my mental focus off me and what I might have done wrong to them and what they did right.
Step back and replenish if you need to.
Social anxiety doesn't have to control you. Remind the train of suck that your not a mind reader, trust your friends, take time time-outs as needed. You got this.
So I'm a gamer. It's like being a sports fan only my sport is board games, table top role playing games, live action role playing games, and multi player online role playing games. Desk top computer games. . . so most games. Kinda like the sports fan who likes basketball, hockey, football, soccer, tennis, bowling . . .because sports are fun.
The thing about being a gamer for me is that single player games, like solitaire, and computer games are less fun for me than social gaming.
But social gaming means bringing my depression and anxiety with me in front of other people. I feel like others have to be able to see my cracks, and open wounds. I feel like I'm going to let people down and I feel like they don't like me anyway.
The train of suck gets bonus miles to run me down in social situations.
But I want to be social. I want to game. While gaming my depression and anxiety are easier to ignore. Till the game is over. Then bang! "You sucked. No one really had any fun." These are the lies of the train of suck.
The trick is that when you k ow your anxiety is loud inside you, take a moment. Trust your friends. If they aren't having a good time because of you let them come to you and tell you. Trust them over your own feelings, because you already know how you're feeling is being colored by Depression and Anxiety.
Ask yourself, was it bad? No? Then it was good.
I try complimenting another player. It helps shift my mental focus off me and what I might have done wrong to them and what they did right.
Step back and replenish if you need to.
Social anxiety doesn't have to control you. Remind the train of suck that your not a mind reader, trust your friends, take time time-outs as needed. You got this.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Word of the Day: Enough.
Enough.
Its a strange word. It's like Stop.
As a depressed person it becomes a source of pain when paired it with other words like Good, Pretty, or Normal. Because Good Enough, Pretty Enough, and Normal Enough are words depend on a value rating and judgement, to the depressed person the answer is always no.
I notice I'm asking myself or thinking to myself, or hoping something (say thanksgiving dinner) will be good enough and its like an unfinished sentence. I need more information.
Good enough for who?
Good enough for what?
What is supposed to happen when the elusive ENOUGH is achieved? Will there be a happy? Will I suddenly feel loved and accepted? Will I become Good/Pretty/Normal? I can't say because Enough is not achievable. And I don't think it should be.
I like being Good. If I get to good enough will I suddenly not have to be good anymore? Will I stop having to go through the effort because I'll just BE good?
Enough tells me that I'm not good right now. Enough begs me to judge myself, or use my psychic powers to determine how others have judged me. Enough is an Agent of Suck and Ive had enough of enough. So I'm going to stop using that word.
Because something happens when you remove the enough from those paired words. The questions then become: Am I Good? Am I Pretty? and Am I Normal? and those are answerable questions.
Good and pretty become even easier when you ask the opposite to answer.
Am I Good becomes Am I Bad? No? then I must be good. That was easy.
Am I Pretty becomes Am I Ugly? Yes. Really? I guess not. I'll take that as a No. So Guess what? I'm pretty.
Am I Normal. No? Ha-Trick question. Am I Normal for ME? I'm I doing anything Abnormal? No. The I'm Normal.
Will thanksgiving dinner be Good? Will it be bad? No then it will be good.
Take away the "enough"s in your life. Depression is exhausting as it is without trying to fulfill an achievable value like enough. Let the "Not Bad"s be your new definitions of Good. And maybe you can find a little Happy in your Depression.
Sound of the Day: Coat Zippers.
Smell of the Day: Fresh Cut Celery
Its a strange word. It's like Stop.
As a depressed person it becomes a source of pain when paired it with other words like Good, Pretty, or Normal. Because Good Enough, Pretty Enough, and Normal Enough are words depend on a value rating and judgement, to the depressed person the answer is always no.
I notice I'm asking myself or thinking to myself, or hoping something (say thanksgiving dinner) will be good enough and its like an unfinished sentence. I need more information.
Good enough for who?
Good enough for what?
What is supposed to happen when the elusive ENOUGH is achieved? Will there be a happy? Will I suddenly feel loved and accepted? Will I become Good/Pretty/Normal? I can't say because Enough is not achievable. And I don't think it should be.
I like being Good. If I get to good enough will I suddenly not have to be good anymore? Will I stop having to go through the effort because I'll just BE good?
Enough tells me that I'm not good right now. Enough begs me to judge myself, or use my psychic powers to determine how others have judged me. Enough is an Agent of Suck and Ive had enough of enough. So I'm going to stop using that word.
Because something happens when you remove the enough from those paired words. The questions then become: Am I Good? Am I Pretty? and Am I Normal? and those are answerable questions.
Good and pretty become even easier when you ask the opposite to answer.
Am I Good becomes Am I Bad? No? then I must be good. That was easy.
Am I Pretty becomes Am I Ugly? Yes. Really? I guess not. I'll take that as a No. So Guess what? I'm pretty.
Am I Normal. No? Ha-Trick question. Am I Normal for ME? I'm I doing anything Abnormal? No. The I'm Normal.
Will thanksgiving dinner be Good? Will it be bad? No then it will be good.
Take away the "enough"s in your life. Depression is exhausting as it is without trying to fulfill an achievable value like enough. Let the "Not Bad"s be your new definitions of Good. And maybe you can find a little Happy in your Depression.
Sound of the Day: Coat Zippers.
Smell of the Day: Fresh Cut Celery
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Holidays Depression and the Train of Suck
Thanksgiving this week.
And so it begins. The Holidays.
When your Not Depressed the Holidays can be stressful and full of expectations and desires.
Now add to that a thick self deprecating layer of soul numbing depression, trigger happy anxiety, and a healthy dose of PTSD (hush now, look away, and I'm not talking about it) and you have a recipe for SUCK. So much SUCK.
The train of Suck gets to add express lanes and lots of loud noisy cars to run me down with. Because I load that sucker up with expectations. I remember happy holidays. I need to be like that. (yeah-no I don't) there are even more expectations that I think that YOU think that I should think (Yeah...again no.)
You want to survive these holidays and maybe even catch a happy for a second or two?
Expect to be depressed.
Expect that the anxiety is going to be really bad.
Expect that your going to need to cry and to curl up and be anti-social
Because that's what a normal day is like, and under all the holiday decorations, there is a normal Thursday under thanksgiving. And so all the things you go through on the average Thursday while depressed are all going to be there
Expect to be stressed. Expect to be tired. And expect that the train of suck is waiting to tell you how you are ruining the holidays for everyone.
Your not.
All that extra pressure you feel on yourself, is being felt by everyone you are sharing the holiday with so if someone isn't happy, its got nothing to do with you. People are not at their best under stress. So take it easy on yourself.
Set your expectations small. Maybe getting through the night without having to cry is a success. Maybe just getting through the meal without crying. Set reasonable expectaions.
I want a little turkey. I want to see my sisters all together. I want a picture with Dalys and Michael. I want a nap. I want a slice of pie. I want to hold my granddaughter, I want to play with my grandson.
If enough of these little expectations happen I'll find a little happy. If all of them then I'll get a good warm holiday contentment going. Anything more is bonus. Anything less is survivable.
I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. I can't read minds, so I will take for face value whatever anyone tells me. I will ask for help when I start to sink. I will retreat if needed to take care of myself, and trust that my family will understand.
This is my action plan for the holidays. It derails the train of suck. When I get anxious I remind myself. small expectations. look over the plan. If I need to cry its ok.
If your depressed its ok. You've got this. Its just another thursday. and remember I love you.
smell of the day: Shampooed hair
Sound of the day: Sia singing "Cloud"
And so it begins. The Holidays.
When your Not Depressed the Holidays can be stressful and full of expectations and desires.
Now add to that a thick self deprecating layer of soul numbing depression, trigger happy anxiety, and a healthy dose of PTSD (hush now, look away, and I'm not talking about it) and you have a recipe for SUCK. So much SUCK.
The train of Suck gets to add express lanes and lots of loud noisy cars to run me down with. Because I load that sucker up with expectations. I remember happy holidays. I need to be like that. (yeah-no I don't) there are even more expectations that I think that YOU think that I should think (Yeah...again no.)
You want to survive these holidays and maybe even catch a happy for a second or two?
Expect to be depressed.
Expect that the anxiety is going to be really bad.
Expect that your going to need to cry and to curl up and be anti-social
Because that's what a normal day is like, and under all the holiday decorations, there is a normal Thursday under thanksgiving. And so all the things you go through on the average Thursday while depressed are all going to be there
Expect to be stressed. Expect to be tired. And expect that the train of suck is waiting to tell you how you are ruining the holidays for everyone.
Your not.
All that extra pressure you feel on yourself, is being felt by everyone you are sharing the holiday with so if someone isn't happy, its got nothing to do with you. People are not at their best under stress. So take it easy on yourself.
Set your expectations small. Maybe getting through the night without having to cry is a success. Maybe just getting through the meal without crying. Set reasonable expectaions.
I want a little turkey. I want to see my sisters all together. I want a picture with Dalys and Michael. I want a nap. I want a slice of pie. I want to hold my granddaughter, I want to play with my grandson.
If enough of these little expectations happen I'll find a little happy. If all of them then I'll get a good warm holiday contentment going. Anything more is bonus. Anything less is survivable.
I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. I can't read minds, so I will take for face value whatever anyone tells me. I will ask for help when I start to sink. I will retreat if needed to take care of myself, and trust that my family will understand.
This is my action plan for the holidays. It derails the train of suck. When I get anxious I remind myself. small expectations. look over the plan. If I need to cry its ok.
If your depressed its ok. You've got this. Its just another thursday. and remember I love you.
smell of the day: Shampooed hair
Sound of the day: Sia singing "Cloud"
Monday, November 16, 2015
Trigger Happy
You are feeling good. Things are looking more positive. Maybe you are even sleepiong better, more relaxed. Depression is losing the fight and starting to recede again. And then?
Maybe it was something you read, a movie you saw, a friend or family member not sure if they should tell you this but...
Suddenly your back to feeling fragile, hopeless, tired and depressed.
Or if you suffer from ptsd like I do (thanks Dad) your trip wire sent you a surge of fear-panic.
What now?
Likely the Train of Suck has just refueled and is telling you what a loser you are, and how your never going to be normal an no one wants to be around you.
What that train is not going to tell you is to just take a moment and breathe.
You are here because you have already acknowledged and accepted the fact that you have Depression. So how can you possibly suck if your suddenly depressed again. My train likes to tell me that Im not good at anything, but Heck I'm great at being depressed.
What kind of negativity is your train hitting you with? Look over your list of positive wood tools. Take the wheels of that train.
You are going to have setbacks. you are going to be triggered and you are going to need to retreat and replenish, rest, recover.
The thing is you are also going to get back up again. Don't let this current feeling erase the fact that before you got triggered you were feeling good. You are capable of feeling better, and will feel better again.
Practice trust. Find someone who knows you struggle with depression. Let them know what your going through right now. You don't have to feel alone in your depression. There are people who care.
I care.
Smell of the day: warm bread
Sound of the day: Hand held hair dryer
Maybe it was something you read, a movie you saw, a friend or family member not sure if they should tell you this but...
Suddenly your back to feeling fragile, hopeless, tired and depressed.
Or if you suffer from ptsd like I do (thanks Dad) your trip wire sent you a surge of fear-panic.
What now?
Likely the Train of Suck has just refueled and is telling you what a loser you are, and how your never going to be normal an no one wants to be around you.
What that train is not going to tell you is to just take a moment and breathe.
You are here because you have already acknowledged and accepted the fact that you have Depression. So how can you possibly suck if your suddenly depressed again. My train likes to tell me that Im not good at anything, but Heck I'm great at being depressed.
What kind of negativity is your train hitting you with? Look over your list of positive wood tools. Take the wheels of that train.
You are going to have setbacks. you are going to be triggered and you are going to need to retreat and replenish, rest, recover.
The thing is you are also going to get back up again. Don't let this current feeling erase the fact that before you got triggered you were feeling good. You are capable of feeling better, and will feel better again.
Practice trust. Find someone who knows you struggle with depression. Let them know what your going through right now. You don't have to feel alone in your depression. There are people who care.
I care.
Smell of the day: warm bread
Sound of the day: Hand held hair dryer
Friday, November 13, 2015
Nov 13 Words of the Day: Control & Trust
Let's talk about Control and Trust.
Both words are such a big words for me I may need to talk about them more than once.
Control first. Always. I am a controlling person. There are many kinds of controlling persons. Some people seek to control to feel powerful or even to hurt others. Thats not me. I merely seek self preservation. It's like my life depends on having it. So when its taken from me it feels devastating.
So once upon a time bad person did thing X to me when I was very young and because Bad person was an adult and I was very young I had absolutely no control over my own body or any way to make thing X stop or to get Bad Person to stop.
This story repeats itself at different times with Different people stepping in for Bad Person. Different unpleasant things swapping out for thing X and different young ages of me.
Thats why one of my root anxieties is warped and wrapped around having control of my environment. I don't control because I want anything from other people. I don't control because I want power I need control because I never want to get hurt again.
And even though I've gotten old enough and big enough that I don't have to worry about it. I'm set up to worry about it.
Control is a mechanism to keep me safe. When I let go of that control I start to panic. I literally feel unsafe and I can't tell you why. My anxiety goes up and then I feel like everything is falling apart.
let me put it another way:
If your in a car and your friend is driving and there is an accident which puts you in the hospital...you might be a little leery of that friend then offering to pick you up.
You are all my friends. The world is an accident waiting to happen.
This is where Trust comes in.
When I voluntarily give up control. I am trusting that I am not going to get hurt. I am putting my faith in someone other than me. And its a big deal. Its not an easy thing to do.
The more I practice trust, and the more nothing bad happens the easier trusting becomes and the more relaxed I can be. The anxiety starts to go away. If I trust enough I believe I could banish that anxiety completely.
Thats a place I want to get to.
The thing I wanted to express is that Control is a shield. A weapon of war.
But Trust is a tool, and an important one. Because when I'm in my darkest place I'm afraid to trust anyone. But what I need to tell myself is that Trust is also a muscle, it atrophies when unused, and gets stronger the more you use it.
Take that first step. Find someone you might be able to trust and let down your defenses, be vulnerable. The world will keep spinning and it will get a little easier to trust more tomorrow.
Depression tells you your all alone, wears you down and devours you. But you are not alone. You just need to trust the people around you. Trust me. :)
Sound of the day: Ice machine cubes filling a plastic cup.
Smell of the day: freshly sliced strawberries
Both words are such a big words for me I may need to talk about them more than once.
Control first. Always. I am a controlling person. There are many kinds of controlling persons. Some people seek to control to feel powerful or even to hurt others. Thats not me. I merely seek self preservation. It's like my life depends on having it. So when its taken from me it feels devastating.
So once upon a time bad person did thing X to me when I was very young and because Bad person was an adult and I was very young I had absolutely no control over my own body or any way to make thing X stop or to get Bad Person to stop.
This story repeats itself at different times with Different people stepping in for Bad Person. Different unpleasant things swapping out for thing X and different young ages of me.
Thats why one of my root anxieties is warped and wrapped around having control of my environment. I don't control because I want anything from other people. I don't control because I want power I need control because I never want to get hurt again.
And even though I've gotten old enough and big enough that I don't have to worry about it. I'm set up to worry about it.
Control is a mechanism to keep me safe. When I let go of that control I start to panic. I literally feel unsafe and I can't tell you why. My anxiety goes up and then I feel like everything is falling apart.
let me put it another way:
If your in a car and your friend is driving and there is an accident which puts you in the hospital...you might be a little leery of that friend then offering to pick you up.
You are all my friends. The world is an accident waiting to happen.
This is where Trust comes in.
When I voluntarily give up control. I am trusting that I am not going to get hurt. I am putting my faith in someone other than me. And its a big deal. Its not an easy thing to do.
The more I practice trust, and the more nothing bad happens the easier trusting becomes and the more relaxed I can be. The anxiety starts to go away. If I trust enough I believe I could banish that anxiety completely.
Thats a place I want to get to.
The thing I wanted to express is that Control is a shield. A weapon of war.
But Trust is a tool, and an important one. Because when I'm in my darkest place I'm afraid to trust anyone. But what I need to tell myself is that Trust is also a muscle, it atrophies when unused, and gets stronger the more you use it.
Take that first step. Find someone you might be able to trust and let down your defenses, be vulnerable. The world will keep spinning and it will get a little easier to trust more tomorrow.
Depression tells you your all alone, wears you down and devours you. But you are not alone. You just need to trust the people around you. Trust me. :)
Sound of the day: Ice machine cubes filling a plastic cup.
Smell of the day: freshly sliced strawberries
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Thought of the Day: Easy Does It: more on Replenish and Resourceful.
I have not kept up with my words of the day this week. I had a lovely time at the Game convention I went to. This time there was a support group which understood mental illness so if I felt out of control (which I did) I could seek out another member and talk or not and it was all ok.
And it was all ok.
And after the convention I was exhausted. Its thursday and Im still so tired. So I didn't do my words on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday.
And there is this thing that happens that I want to address right now. Taking time out because you are replenishing is not an excuse to beat yourself up for not doing thing A. Because that is what happens. I decide that I can't do a thing that I want to do because I just don't have it in me. And then I get to tell myself I suck, I'm lame, I'm a loser. I'm Lazy. and even worse...I tell myself even worse things and I just keep telling myself things and its exhausting.
After being run over with the train of suck not only can I not do thing A but I can do things B through D now either.
Depression is sneaky. It will fight you using tools to make yourself feel better, and try to use those tools against you.
So lets step back a bit:
Using the tools Resourceful and Replenish, I decide how much energy and self I have and then I pull back to allow myself to rest. Things are not going to get done because the more important thing, the ME thing is getting done.
Taking care of a Depressed soul is hard work. fighting the Negativity is hard work. Not giving in for appearances sake, but actively choosing my self first is a fight worth fighting. I'm being Brave, Strong, Good, Wise and Loving to myself when I choose to replenish over a thing.
And So are you when you do it. Depression may rally and attack but all the negativity it carries is lies. It has no weapons to attack you with when you replenish when you count your internal resources and make an informed decision for your best self interest. Do not let Depression use your healing tools against you. Give it nothing. Remind it that you get to decide whats good and resting right now is good.
So.
If there are pauses in the Daily words, it is likely I'm just replenishing.
But Auntie Depressant is important to me. I have already learned much about myself and about my Depression since I started it.
And if One day I decide I don't need it any longer I will stop. or if my depression gets so big that I can't do things for a while I may stop.
But what I won't do is use this beautiful thing I created as a tool to torment myself, or as a weight to make myself feel anyway negative about myself or it. And standing up for myself...even from myself, is Brave.
Anyway, I love you. Remember that.
Sound of the Day: Sink water running.
Smell of the day: freshly washed shirt.
And it was all ok.
And after the convention I was exhausted. Its thursday and Im still so tired. So I didn't do my words on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday.
And there is this thing that happens that I want to address right now. Taking time out because you are replenishing is not an excuse to beat yourself up for not doing thing A. Because that is what happens. I decide that I can't do a thing that I want to do because I just don't have it in me. And then I get to tell myself I suck, I'm lame, I'm a loser. I'm Lazy. and even worse...I tell myself even worse things and I just keep telling myself things and its exhausting.
After being run over with the train of suck not only can I not do thing A but I can do things B through D now either.
Depression is sneaky. It will fight you using tools to make yourself feel better, and try to use those tools against you.
So lets step back a bit:
Using the tools Resourceful and Replenish, I decide how much energy and self I have and then I pull back to allow myself to rest. Things are not going to get done because the more important thing, the ME thing is getting done.
Taking care of a Depressed soul is hard work. fighting the Negativity is hard work. Not giving in for appearances sake, but actively choosing my self first is a fight worth fighting. I'm being Brave, Strong, Good, Wise and Loving to myself when I choose to replenish over a thing.
And So are you when you do it. Depression may rally and attack but all the negativity it carries is lies. It has no weapons to attack you with when you replenish when you count your internal resources and make an informed decision for your best self interest. Do not let Depression use your healing tools against you. Give it nothing. Remind it that you get to decide whats good and resting right now is good.
So.
If there are pauses in the Daily words, it is likely I'm just replenishing.
But Auntie Depressant is important to me. I have already learned much about myself and about my Depression since I started it.
And if One day I decide I don't need it any longer I will stop. or if my depression gets so big that I can't do things for a while I may stop.
But what I won't do is use this beautiful thing I created as a tool to torment myself, or as a weight to make myself feel anyway negative about myself or it. And standing up for myself...even from myself, is Brave.
Anyway, I love you. Remember that.
Sound of the Day: Sink water running.
Smell of the day: freshly washed shirt.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Nov 4-9th: Taking my Depression and Anxiety to a Game convention
I have words.
I have some really really good words. Control and Trust, those are team words. Faith which is different then trust, and more.
But I am at the Hyatt in Morristown today at a Metatopia the great Game Design Convention.
I am being buffeted by my anxieties big time. I saw myself in the mirror this morning and wanted to hide. The Train of Suck trolled in the background telling me Im repulsive. Telling me most people are polite and tolerant which doesn't mean your liked. Telling me to stay in bed or maybe go home.
So yeah, its one of those mornings.
I have a workshop to do soon. For a game in developement. That doesn't scare me. I'm in my element there. No so much tomorrow when I put ideas to test. Tomorrow will be hard, but again play tests are still my element.
The thing is when your depressed you need to make sure you don't take anything personal. Try not to talk about myself. Ask others how they are doing.
I have chocolate and I have pretty dice to fondle. Chocolate pays twice because it gives off an aroma. These are what im using to self sooth.
I need a battle plan to help with my feelings of being over whelmed. I need a good earworm song to play in my head and fight the static. Ive been listening to Awolnation lately. so Sail is easy to conjure up.
I'm afraid of the sound of my own voice today. I'm afriad of oversharing. Of spilling my unpleasntries on others. All of those feed into the anxiety. I can count them and acknowlege them and release them. I don't need to be controlled by them.
Anyway/ I will try to get more Words of the Day out by Sunday.
I'm trying to use as many of those words as I can now, because I'm feeling emotionaly unstable.
Sound of the Day: Hotel Airconditioner Fan
Smell of the Day: Coffee
I have some really really good words. Control and Trust, those are team words. Faith which is different then trust, and more.
But I am at the Hyatt in Morristown today at a Metatopia the great Game Design Convention.
I am being buffeted by my anxieties big time. I saw myself in the mirror this morning and wanted to hide. The Train of Suck trolled in the background telling me Im repulsive. Telling me most people are polite and tolerant which doesn't mean your liked. Telling me to stay in bed or maybe go home.
So yeah, its one of those mornings.
I have a workshop to do soon. For a game in developement. That doesn't scare me. I'm in my element there. No so much tomorrow when I put ideas to test. Tomorrow will be hard, but again play tests are still my element.
The thing is when your depressed you need to make sure you don't take anything personal. Try not to talk about myself. Ask others how they are doing.
I have chocolate and I have pretty dice to fondle. Chocolate pays twice because it gives off an aroma. These are what im using to self sooth.
I need a battle plan to help with my feelings of being over whelmed. I need a good earworm song to play in my head and fight the static. Ive been listening to Awolnation lately. so Sail is easy to conjure up.
I'm afraid of the sound of my own voice today. I'm afriad of oversharing. Of spilling my unpleasntries on others. All of those feed into the anxiety. I can count them and acknowlege them and release them. I don't need to be controlled by them.
Anyway/ I will try to get more Words of the Day out by Sunday.
I'm trying to use as many of those words as I can now, because I'm feeling emotionaly unstable.
Sound of the Day: Hotel Airconditioner Fan
Smell of the Day: Coffee
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Nov 3: Word of the Day: Anniversary
Anniversary is a good word.
It's an important word.
But how does it help against the battle with Depression?
If your like me and certain times of year or days of the year trigger scary negative emotions.
Maybe you don't even know why, you just wake up suddenly anxious and then sad.
Here's a fact I've learned through experience: Traumas leave scars that can tell time.
Doesn't that suck?
If your feeling overwhelmed and you don't know why it can make you feel crazy. I literally tell myself I'm Crazy. I say it before anyone else can. I say it because my emotions are roiling and pressuring me on the inside and even if no one else notices I feel like any moment my skin might crack and the crazy will start to leak out.
Because I don't know why I feel this way. I need reason or else I'm just a broken thing.
That's when Anniversary becomes and ally.
Take a moment to think what was going on this time last year-
oh I felt crazy then too?
and the year before?
and the year before. . .
but wait, it was this time of year when I was told that I was not going to be allowed to adopt the adorable little girl our family had fallen in love with who fit into our lives like the last piece of a puzzle. The powers that be moved her back in with her siblings so that they could all be adopted together just months after assuring me there was no chance that they would ever do this.
This was so traumatic for me it ripped out a piece of my heart which then scarred, and now the time after halloween leading up to thanksgiving has an emotional minefield and I wake up feeling like I'm loosing everything. I still feel the grief even though that happened years ago.
Before I remember that Anniversary, all I know is that I have these overwhelming dread feelings, and grief feeling and loss feeling and I want to cry.
But once I recognize the Anniversary I remember that this is about the time I lost my unadopted daughter and I immediately stop feeling crazy.
I'm not crazy. There is a reason I feel this way. Its about loss. These feelings are a natural consequence of that loss.
Now I can think about that little girl, and look at pictures of her and cry a little, missing her and grieve as I must - but the anxiety, the feeling of dread and the fear of being unstable go away.
I acknowledge where the pain is coming from, and I allow myself to feel that loss and put a name to it. Suddenly I'm back in control, I'm more settled and more sane.
Thats how powerful an Ally Anniversary is.
If you can't explain a sudden rush of powerful emotions look to the past, was there a trauma that happened to you near this time of year? This may be the reason for your emotional episode.
As G. I . Joe would say "knowing is half the battle."
You are strong enough to take on the other half of this battle with depression.
"Go JOE!"
Smell of the day: wood smoke.
Sound of the day: Computer Keyboard soft clicking as you type.
It's an important word.
But how does it help against the battle with Depression?
If your like me and certain times of year or days of the year trigger scary negative emotions.
Maybe you don't even know why, you just wake up suddenly anxious and then sad.
Here's a fact I've learned through experience: Traumas leave scars that can tell time.
Doesn't that suck?
If your feeling overwhelmed and you don't know why it can make you feel crazy. I literally tell myself I'm Crazy. I say it before anyone else can. I say it because my emotions are roiling and pressuring me on the inside and even if no one else notices I feel like any moment my skin might crack and the crazy will start to leak out.
Because I don't know why I feel this way. I need reason or else I'm just a broken thing.
That's when Anniversary becomes and ally.
Take a moment to think what was going on this time last year-
oh I felt crazy then too?
and the year before?
and the year before. . .
but wait, it was this time of year when I was told that I was not going to be allowed to adopt the adorable little girl our family had fallen in love with who fit into our lives like the last piece of a puzzle. The powers that be moved her back in with her siblings so that they could all be adopted together just months after assuring me there was no chance that they would ever do this.
This was so traumatic for me it ripped out a piece of my heart which then scarred, and now the time after halloween leading up to thanksgiving has an emotional minefield and I wake up feeling like I'm loosing everything. I still feel the grief even though that happened years ago.
Before I remember that Anniversary, all I know is that I have these overwhelming dread feelings, and grief feeling and loss feeling and I want to cry.
But once I recognize the Anniversary I remember that this is about the time I lost my unadopted daughter and I immediately stop feeling crazy.
I'm not crazy. There is a reason I feel this way. Its about loss. These feelings are a natural consequence of that loss.
Now I can think about that little girl, and look at pictures of her and cry a little, missing her and grieve as I must - but the anxiety, the feeling of dread and the fear of being unstable go away.
I acknowledge where the pain is coming from, and I allow myself to feel that loss and put a name to it. Suddenly I'm back in control, I'm more settled and more sane.
Thats how powerful an Ally Anniversary is.
If you can't explain a sudden rush of powerful emotions look to the past, was there a trauma that happened to you near this time of year? This may be the reason for your emotional episode.
As G. I . Joe would say "knowing is half the battle."
You are strong enough to take on the other half of this battle with depression.
"Go JOE!"
Smell of the day: wood smoke.
Sound of the day: Computer Keyboard soft clicking as you type.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Nov 2nd Word of the Day: Creative
Creative is a word that often gets twisted into a slight. As in when asked if something is good and answered that it is creative. It gets used to insinuate negativity. She may not get much house work done but at least she's creative. This somehow gets funneled into the "when are you going to grow up?" Negativity. Because being creative, taking time to be creative is childish.
Except it's not.
I'm in my 40s. I think as far as when am I going up-been there, done that. Paid my bills. If I want to dress up in costume with other people who dress up in costume and have a tea party. I'm still a grown up. Being Creative does not make me less so.
Not being Creative is actually childish. It's suppressing a vital part of who I am in order to prove that Im grown up and they only people who need to prove that they are grown ups are kids. My 4 year old grandson says he's big all the time. And so when I put the sketch book away. Stop writing my "little" stories and coloring in coloring books I'm acting like a 4 year old.
Being Creative is not only acceptable if it produces professional grade things. It's a need I have. Its how I express myself. It's who I am and doesn't need to be justified further than that.
Once I understand that. Once I stop needing permission to be Creative and stop needing my creative works to be professional looking to justify the adult time I took to make them I am as a whole a lot happier and a lot more powerful.
My Creativity fuels my esteem. I made that. I wrote that. I sang that. and it pleased myself.
As my esteem gets stronger it becomes easier to fight the good fight against Depression.
So the next time you hear that Train of Suck speaking smack about you being lazy lame or childish because you doodle, dress up, fold paper cranes or what ever activity you are doing that up till those negative thoughts were fueling your esteem - you can shout is back down because you are Creative, and Creativity is a good thing.
Smell of the day: fresh cut apple
Sound of the Day: Floorboard wood creak when stepped on by the cats.
Except it's not.
I'm in my 40s. I think as far as when am I going up-been there, done that. Paid my bills. If I want to dress up in costume with other people who dress up in costume and have a tea party. I'm still a grown up. Being Creative does not make me less so.
Not being Creative is actually childish. It's suppressing a vital part of who I am in order to prove that Im grown up and they only people who need to prove that they are grown ups are kids. My 4 year old grandson says he's big all the time. And so when I put the sketch book away. Stop writing my "little" stories and coloring in coloring books I'm acting like a 4 year old.
Being Creative is not only acceptable if it produces professional grade things. It's a need I have. Its how I express myself. It's who I am and doesn't need to be justified further than that.
Once I understand that. Once I stop needing permission to be Creative and stop needing my creative works to be professional looking to justify the adult time I took to make them I am as a whole a lot happier and a lot more powerful.
My Creativity fuels my esteem. I made that. I wrote that. I sang that. and it pleased myself.
As my esteem gets stronger it becomes easier to fight the good fight against Depression.
So the next time you hear that Train of Suck speaking smack about you being lazy lame or childish because you doodle, dress up, fold paper cranes or what ever activity you are doing that up till those negative thoughts were fueling your esteem - you can shout is back down because you are Creative, and Creativity is a good thing.
Smell of the day: fresh cut apple
Sound of the Day: Floorboard wood creak when stepped on by the cats.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Oct 30 Word of the Day: Ambition
Ambition is an excellent word. Its an excellent trait to have but for the depressed Ambition can be used by depression to self-inflict negativity, when in reality it is a powerful and positive sign of healing.
Let me explain.
When you are in the thick of a depressed episode, what do you want to do? Nothing. What do you feel capable of doing? Nothing. Wants, desires, previous interests all wither in the depressed fog. They become the single desire to stop feeling this way, to be someone else, to be stable, and please please please let nobody notice how bad I am right now.
And then there are days that you wake up thinking...I could make cookies. Or after work I think I'll do some laundry. Maybe I can write a story.
These impulses are ambitions. And just having them is enough. Having ambition when you are depressed is like the sprig of a new flower poking up from the dirt. There is something inside that is not ache and failure.
Depending on what point of your depression you are in, you are not likely to write that story, or do that laundry or make those cookies.
And that's when ambition can be used by the Train of Suck to hurt you. Depression will start shouting that you suck because you couldn't even write a lousy story, eating your baked cookies while the laundry spins through a cycle...your so lame chuga-chuga-chug.
Depression needs to make that noise because the truth is you're having wants, hopes and dreams again. Ambition is a sign that your winning your fight against depression. You won by simply feeling for the briefest of moments that you could do something other than be depressed.
Ambition is excellent. It works with Agency. It's a sign that you are stronger than the depression your fighting, and that you are already winning.
So the next time you start feeling bad because you hoped to be able to do a thing, but you just didn't have it in you, remind yourself that wanting is enough right now. It means you have ambition. It means you already winning.
Let me explain.
When you are in the thick of a depressed episode, what do you want to do? Nothing. What do you feel capable of doing? Nothing. Wants, desires, previous interests all wither in the depressed fog. They become the single desire to stop feeling this way, to be someone else, to be stable, and please please please let nobody notice how bad I am right now.
And then there are days that you wake up thinking...I could make cookies. Or after work I think I'll do some laundry. Maybe I can write a story.
These impulses are ambitions. And just having them is enough. Having ambition when you are depressed is like the sprig of a new flower poking up from the dirt. There is something inside that is not ache and failure.
Depending on what point of your depression you are in, you are not likely to write that story, or do that laundry or make those cookies.
And that's when ambition can be used by the Train of Suck to hurt you. Depression will start shouting that you suck because you couldn't even write a lousy story, eating your baked cookies while the laundry spins through a cycle...your so lame chuga-chuga-chug.
Depression needs to make that noise because the truth is you're having wants, hopes and dreams again. Ambition is a sign that your winning your fight against depression. You won by simply feeling for the briefest of moments that you could do something other than be depressed.
Ambition is excellent. It works with Agency. It's a sign that you are stronger than the depression your fighting, and that you are already winning.
So the next time you start feeling bad because you hoped to be able to do a thing, but you just didn't have it in you, remind yourself that wanting is enough right now. It means you have ambition. It means you already winning.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Oct 29: Word of the Day DSP NOT ESP
Good morning,
So for Thursday's word of the day I'm using three words. Depressed Sensitivity Perception.
Why would I do this? Aren't there plenty of good words I haven't brought up yet? Inspired, Ambitious, Lovely, Creative to name a few? Whats the deal?
Ok,
So the thing is that as part of my depressive process I am "thin skinned" "too sensitive" and need to "lighten up." If this sounds familiar it gets even better. Remember that Show Lie to Me? if you missed it Netflix has it.
Ok, the show was based around micro expressions that people are not even aware they make. Turns out I can read body language like a BOSS. It usually makes me a good guesser about people.
But when I'm depressed I take those same messages I'm getting about tone of voice and micro expressions and body language and internalize them. Then Depression whispers to me what you must be thinking.
It's always about me.
It's always bad.
The thing is, I am not a mind reader. I don't have ESP. I have regular sensory perception run through a depression filter. DSP.
Your micro frown, and resistant body language can mean you are wearing new shoes and they're tight, or you have sudden gas, or your worried about a pet or that new strange sound your car is making, I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.
When I remind myself that I have DSP and not ESP I also need to trust you to tell me when it is me. Or I could ask. But the thing I can't do is rely on my own depression filtered perception to guess correctly.
So DSP not ESP.
So for Thursday's word of the day I'm using three words. Depressed Sensitivity Perception.
Why would I do this? Aren't there plenty of good words I haven't brought up yet? Inspired, Ambitious, Lovely, Creative to name a few? Whats the deal?
Ok,
So the thing is that as part of my depressive process I am "thin skinned" "too sensitive" and need to "lighten up." If this sounds familiar it gets even better. Remember that Show Lie to Me? if you missed it Netflix has it.
Ok, the show was based around micro expressions that people are not even aware they make. Turns out I can read body language like a BOSS. It usually makes me a good guesser about people.
But when I'm depressed I take those same messages I'm getting about tone of voice and micro expressions and body language and internalize them. Then Depression whispers to me what you must be thinking.
It's always about me.
It's always bad.
The thing is, I am not a mind reader. I don't have ESP. I have regular sensory perception run through a depression filter. DSP.
Your micro frown, and resistant body language can mean you are wearing new shoes and they're tight, or you have sudden gas, or your worried about a pet or that new strange sound your car is making, I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.
When I remind myself that I have DSP and not ESP I also need to trust you to tell me when it is me. Or I could ask. But the thing I can't do is rely on my own depression filtered perception to guess correctly.
So DSP not ESP.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Oct 28, Word of the Day: Replenish
I've got a really good word for the day today. Replenish, which I always thing Re-plent-ish but there is no “t”. But in my mind it has the word plenty in it so I know where to go when I have less and I need more.
Replenish makes me think of a tall chilled glass of cool water, when I’m thirsty. It's a relieving, reviving kind of word.
Anyway. Replenish makes a very good defender word.
If you're anything like me, then at a certain point of your depression you start to crave affection, and comfort. For me I need to touch, to hold, and I reach out for it and then I condemn myself before anyone else can for being NEEDY.
Needy is one of the Train of Suck words. it's a word I get to use to tear myself down. Why do you have to be so frickin needy all the time? Why can’t you be normal....chugga chugga...(fricking train)
Here is the thing. the Train of Suck lies.
When you are depressed you hurt emotionally, but also a little physically too. Maybe you numb out. Maybe you get sore. Maybe your body just feels heavy and your day feels like you're moving through glue. Depression is uncomfortable.
What is the most NORMAL thing in the world to do when you are uncomfortable? You move? You seek comfort. Comfort seeking is natural and good. And when you get a little comfort, you get a little stronger more able to fight the good fight. (which the Train of Suck does not want you to do or you might end up cutting off its fuel supply and stranding it somewhere.)
Seeking Comfort makes me feel vulnerable and “needy”
but I’m not needy,
I’m merely Replenishing some comfort back into my soul.
And that’s how I’m going to defend myself from calling myself needy and feeling bad about it.
I am Depressed. I will Replenish my need for comfort many times until this depression passes.
Sound of the day: Electric tea kettle boiling water.
Smell of the day: wet wool (its raining)
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Oct 27th Word of the Day: Agent
Agent. That's a strange word of the day isn't it?
Let me preface this a little.
Yesterday was employee reviews at work and the train of Suck was having a field day.
Sunday I did a social thing to purposely try and outreach and felt exposed, a little rejected and came back home nursing emotional wounds. Depression makes me way over sensitive, it distorts my experience in the worse possible way so no. No one deliberately rejected me, and all the social people at the event were nice and friendly. It maybe hard to understand but depression takes any slight and makes it a conformation for the Train of Suck.
Friday is my annual Halloween Party and I'm afraid it will be awkward, tense and unfun. Worse I'll be responsible for my family being unhappy. The train of Suck is LOVING this.
Now my normal advice is to be patient with myself.
But here's the thing. I am patient with myself the whole time. Its like telling someone whose driving WITH the break on to slow down. What do you mean be Patient? Do you see how I'm not flipping out? Do you see how I'm not curled into a ball weeping all day? Do you see me waiting through days of suck clinging to the fragile belief that tomorrow I'll feel better??? That's me exerting Patience. So don't tell a depressed person to be patient. It pisses us off. (Frickin patience)
So yeah. Patience is not going to be a word for the day, Or a tool for the tool box. For me, if your depressed, if you among the walking wounded, if your putting on the everyday face while inside you just want to cry ALL THE TIME. Then you are already practicing patience. you don't need patience. You need Agency.
Let me give you the link here:
Agent
I started on a thesaurus looking up a synonym for the word patient. So many words I'm not going to use there. Agent is the opposite of patient. I'm like whah...So I looked up Agent and I knew that was the word for the day.
Definition #2 - a person or thing that acts or has the power to act.
If your like me, Depression hits you and begins to erode you. Like your made of salt and the tides rushing in. It tries to make you forget your Agency. You have power. Depression doesn't have any power. Its a leech sucking away at you and those times you feel crushed under it, you feel powerless and can't do anything because the depression is too strong. That's your strength depression is using, Its holding you down with your own strength,
Lets think about that shall we?
We are all Agents. We all have the power to act, to move, to be. Depression has none until it siphons off our own power to feed itself and make us feel weak. But the whole time its doing it, its still just borrowing your own power. It takes away our agency. But we are still agents of our own power and we can take that power back.
So when you feel depression holding you down FEEL that. That's your strength, that's how strong you are. Then remind yourself say it out loud if you have to. I am the Agent of my own power. Not depression, and I am taking my power back.
Patience- meh- Give me Agency any day!
Smell of the Day: Peanut butter
Sound of the Day: Airplane passing overhead.
Let me preface this a little.
Yesterday was employee reviews at work and the train of Suck was having a field day.
Sunday I did a social thing to purposely try and outreach and felt exposed, a little rejected and came back home nursing emotional wounds. Depression makes me way over sensitive, it distorts my experience in the worse possible way so no. No one deliberately rejected me, and all the social people at the event were nice and friendly. It maybe hard to understand but depression takes any slight and makes it a conformation for the Train of Suck.
Friday is my annual Halloween Party and I'm afraid it will be awkward, tense and unfun. Worse I'll be responsible for my family being unhappy. The train of Suck is LOVING this.
Now my normal advice is to be patient with myself.
But here's the thing. I am patient with myself the whole time. Its like telling someone whose driving WITH the break on to slow down. What do you mean be Patient? Do you see how I'm not flipping out? Do you see how I'm not curled into a ball weeping all day? Do you see me waiting through days of suck clinging to the fragile belief that tomorrow I'll feel better??? That's me exerting Patience. So don't tell a depressed person to be patient. It pisses us off. (Frickin patience)
So yeah. Patience is not going to be a word for the day, Or a tool for the tool box. For me, if your depressed, if you among the walking wounded, if your putting on the everyday face while inside you just want to cry ALL THE TIME. Then you are already practicing patience. you don't need patience. You need Agency.
Let me give you the link here:
Agent
I started on a thesaurus looking up a synonym for the word patient. So many words I'm not going to use there. Agent is the opposite of patient. I'm like whah...So I looked up Agent and I knew that was the word for the day.
Definition #2 - a person or thing that acts or has the power to act.
If your like me, Depression hits you and begins to erode you. Like your made of salt and the tides rushing in. It tries to make you forget your Agency. You have power. Depression doesn't have any power. Its a leech sucking away at you and those times you feel crushed under it, you feel powerless and can't do anything because the depression is too strong. That's your strength depression is using, Its holding you down with your own strength,
Lets think about that shall we?
We are all Agents. We all have the power to act, to move, to be. Depression has none until it siphons off our own power to feed itself and make us feel weak. But the whole time its doing it, its still just borrowing your own power. It takes away our agency. But we are still agents of our own power and we can take that power back.
So when you feel depression holding you down FEEL that. That's your strength, that's how strong you are. Then remind yourself say it out loud if you have to. I am the Agent of my own power. Not depression, and I am taking my power back.
Patience- meh- Give me Agency any day!
Smell of the Day: Peanut butter
Sound of the Day: Airplane passing overhead.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Oct 26th: Word of the Day: Recharge
When you're depressed or rather when I get depressed I get overwhelmed easily and I shut down. Then I get to beat myself up for shutting down and not being "normal" or for letting other people down because I opt out of Game night, or other social situation. And I get to tell myself I'm lame or lazy.
But here is the thing. When I opt out of social things, I'm taking care of me. That shut down feeling that comes with being overwhelmed is just the warning light letting me know I need to recharging.
When you depressed its like you're a smartphone with a battery drainage problem because the fricken apps won't shut off, they just keep running in the background (I'm talking to you Train Of Suck!) so of course you feel rundown. Recharging fights lame and lazy and "not normal" Because there is nothing more normal when a person (or smartphone) is running down, then to take the time to recharge it.
So when your overwhelmed and feeling shutdown out remember, Your normal. Go lie down guilt free. Your just Recharging.
Sound of the day: School bus engine moving down the street.
Smell of the day: Fresh crushed pepper.
But here is the thing. When I opt out of social things, I'm taking care of me. That shut down feeling that comes with being overwhelmed is just the warning light letting me know I need to recharging.
When you depressed its like you're a smartphone with a battery drainage problem because the fricken apps won't shut off, they just keep running in the background (I'm talking to you Train Of Suck!) so of course you feel rundown. Recharging fights lame and lazy and "not normal" Because there is nothing more normal when a person (or smartphone) is running down, then to take the time to recharge it.
So when your overwhelmed and feeling shutdown out remember, Your normal. Go lie down guilt free. Your just Recharging.
Sound of the day: School bus engine moving down the street.
Smell of the day: Fresh crushed pepper.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
1st week Auntie Dression update: Kat vs. The Train of Suck.
This has been the first week I have used the Cognitive Therapy Positive words to combat the negative train of suck that constantly runs me down.
Everyone's depression is different. For mine I feel I guess ashamed all the time. The first words out of my mouth are "I'm sorry." and the thing is I don't even know what I did. So I tell myself what I did. I tell myself how I'm falling apart, how I suck, how I'm dirty and repulsive and lame and lazy and such a looser. I've got bad blood in me from evil people. I'm never going to be any good and everyone I trick into liking me I'm actually making suffer the burden of being around me.
And if you know me then your likely like- but Kat that's crazy, See I tell myself that too. I get to tell myself I'm crazy.
The storm inside the waves and crashes of empty, of ache, of dread, of grief, and deep deep sadness thrive on all those negative thoughts, and they run through my head regularly.
This week Ive been blocking those thoughts but where as the train of suck runs on its own power I have to actively stop and think the positive blocking words.
SO to begin with that feeling of always falling apart- I have resilient.
Yes I fall apart but I get back up, I am resilient.
and somehow that takes the sting of failure away. Like its ok to feel shaky and uncertain and sad, I'm strong enough to take it and spring back up.
I then chose Resplendent but it doesn't feel true, which actually makes it work really well against grotesque. If I can't BE resplendent, how could I actually be grotesque? Both words are too big for me. Grotesque disappeared this week and I haven't heard/thought it since.
Charismatic was a really important word and has been very effective because I am fat. I am in my 40s. Which generates a lot of negativity based on my physical properties, but I am also charismatic which cancels out physical flaws because people like what they like when charisma is involved. Charisma is a blind lover of beauty. So I see my reflecting anf think- your fat and ugly- and then stop and rethink AND Charismatic so there! And I stick my tongue out at the suck train.
Which leads me to the word Resourceful. Because when your Depressed all the time you can't do things you want to do, you just don't have it in you so you barely do the things you need to do, and find creative ways to do other things. This word is not a word blocker exactly, but it helps rebuild my self esteem. Ok so maybe I am depressed but I still get things done, just differently. Because I am resourceful.
Compassion is such an important word because I really feel bad for other people alot. And I tend to give other people much more forgivenss then I give myself because they are going through things. But I'm going through things too. It just feels like Im going through them all the time. (which is not true but even if it was...) I need to remember to be as compassionate with myself as I am to other people.
Friday I added the word Perspective. Perpective is more of a tool than a blocking work. Its a tool versus the anxiety as well as the depression. When I relive the awkward moment I want to beat myself up with I need to use Perspective at that moment and rethink what was going on with some important things in mind.
1. How many Adults were participating in the awkward?
2. What was actually said (no guessing their thoughts. Depression makes a bad guesser)
3. What else may have contributed to the awkward?
These are the steps involved in getting perspective. Perspective forces me to reduce the amount personal responsibility in social events. Otherwise I walk away feeling very ashamed and guilty and blaming myself for the entire awkward.
Because of these words and tools I feel much more centered today. I woke up and even made breakfast for my husband which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. And here I am blogging about it. I'm giving myself permission to take time to do something I want to do.
I feel that these tools and words are successful.
These week:
I have an Employee Review happening tomorrow. I have a lot of anxiety about that
Wednesday is game night and I'd really like to go and have fun social gaming time.
Thursday is my Therapy session.
Saturday is Halloween Trick or Treat night for our boro. So Halloween party. Lots to be excited for but also be overwhelmed about.
Goals: right now I'd be happy if I can keep up with a word for the day for Monday through Friday, and keep giving myself time to Auntie Depress. I think those are reasonable goals for this week.
Scent of the day: buttered toast.
Sound of the day: cat lapping up water.
Everyone's depression is different. For mine I feel I guess ashamed all the time. The first words out of my mouth are "I'm sorry." and the thing is I don't even know what I did. So I tell myself what I did. I tell myself how I'm falling apart, how I suck, how I'm dirty and repulsive and lame and lazy and such a looser. I've got bad blood in me from evil people. I'm never going to be any good and everyone I trick into liking me I'm actually making suffer the burden of being around me.
And if you know me then your likely like- but Kat that's crazy, See I tell myself that too. I get to tell myself I'm crazy.
The storm inside the waves and crashes of empty, of ache, of dread, of grief, and deep deep sadness thrive on all those negative thoughts, and they run through my head regularly.
This week Ive been blocking those thoughts but where as the train of suck runs on its own power I have to actively stop and think the positive blocking words.
SO to begin with that feeling of always falling apart- I have resilient.
Yes I fall apart but I get back up, I am resilient.
and somehow that takes the sting of failure away. Like its ok to feel shaky and uncertain and sad, I'm strong enough to take it and spring back up.
I then chose Resplendent but it doesn't feel true, which actually makes it work really well against grotesque. If I can't BE resplendent, how could I actually be grotesque? Both words are too big for me. Grotesque disappeared this week and I haven't heard/thought it since.
Charismatic was a really important word and has been very effective because I am fat. I am in my 40s. Which generates a lot of negativity based on my physical properties, but I am also charismatic which cancels out physical flaws because people like what they like when charisma is involved. Charisma is a blind lover of beauty. So I see my reflecting anf think- your fat and ugly- and then stop and rethink AND Charismatic so there! And I stick my tongue out at the suck train.
Which leads me to the word Resourceful. Because when your Depressed all the time you can't do things you want to do, you just don't have it in you so you barely do the things you need to do, and find creative ways to do other things. This word is not a word blocker exactly, but it helps rebuild my self esteem. Ok so maybe I am depressed but I still get things done, just differently. Because I am resourceful.
Compassion is such an important word because I really feel bad for other people alot. And I tend to give other people much more forgivenss then I give myself because they are going through things. But I'm going through things too. It just feels like Im going through them all the time. (which is not true but even if it was...) I need to remember to be as compassionate with myself as I am to other people.
Friday I added the word Perspective. Perpective is more of a tool than a blocking work. Its a tool versus the anxiety as well as the depression. When I relive the awkward moment I want to beat myself up with I need to use Perspective at that moment and rethink what was going on with some important things in mind.
1. How many Adults were participating in the awkward?
2. What was actually said (no guessing their thoughts. Depression makes a bad guesser)
3. What else may have contributed to the awkward?
These are the steps involved in getting perspective. Perspective forces me to reduce the amount personal responsibility in social events. Otherwise I walk away feeling very ashamed and guilty and blaming myself for the entire awkward.
Because of these words and tools I feel much more centered today. I woke up and even made breakfast for my husband which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. And here I am blogging about it. I'm giving myself permission to take time to do something I want to do.
I feel that these tools and words are successful.
These week:
I have an Employee Review happening tomorrow. I have a lot of anxiety about that
Wednesday is game night and I'd really like to go and have fun social gaming time.
Thursday is my Therapy session.
Saturday is Halloween Trick or Treat night for our boro. So Halloween party. Lots to be excited for but also be overwhelmed about.
Goals: right now I'd be happy if I can keep up with a word for the day for Monday through Friday, and keep giving myself time to Auntie Depress. I think those are reasonable goals for this week.
Scent of the day: buttered toast.
Sound of the day: cat lapping up water.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Oct 23 Word of the Day: Perspective
The word for today is Perspective. This is not an easy word shield like Resilient or Charismatic that help you feel better just by thinking it, Perspective needs you to work with it.
Guilt isn't just a stabby word either, its a lawyer building a case against you for not just sucking but making everyone around you suck too. Guilt works hard to make me feel awful.
This is how perspective works against guilt.
First: Guilt brings its case: you did a social thing you wanted last night. It did not go well. people were unhappy. It is all your fault.
Then: Perspective Objects!
Your honor, I'd like to remind the court that some of those people were unhappy before the social thing was even suggested. Also My client was one of many adults in the room. Shouldn't the other adults be responsible for judging their own moods and capabilities? My client can only be responsible for her own decisions. there for Guilt has no case against my client and I demand this case be dismissed.
Your honor, I'd like to remind the court that some of those people were unhappy before the social thing was even suggested. Also My client was one of many adults in the room. Shouldn't the other adults be responsible for judging their own moods and capabilities? My client can only be responsible for her own decisions. there for Guilt has no case against my client and I demand this case be dismissed.
In order for perspective to do this you need to sit down with perspective and go over the troubling event and let perspective make you smaller- not the boss of the world or the parent of the room, just the occupant of the chair.
Perspective is not an easy word, but it can annihilate guilt. And left unchecked Guilt beats me up and down.
But I am resilient, I am resourceful, charismatic, and compassionate. I resolve to work with perspective to see myself more clearly.
Oct 22 Word of the Day: Charismatic
Today's positive word is Charismatic. I love how there is this hard "c" sound, even though there is the "ch" which normally makes church, chew, cha-cha sounds. It's like I know what you expect, but I'm going to make this hard "c" sound instead. Charismatic is a word that fends of a number of hurtful desciption words like - Fat. Manly. Warped. Obese. and the queen of all Badness- REPULSIVE. I can't tell you how many time a day I let repulsive ping through my brain seeing a shadow of myself, or a reflection.
Charisma doesn't care what you look like, how tall, how pretty, Charisma is this energy, this light that pulls you in and makes you smile. And I have that. You have it too by the way. We are all Charismatic.
So the next time I mentally hear repulsive I can block it with Charismatic. I am Resilient, Resourceful, Compassionate and Charismatic. And Resolved to remind myself these things.
Oct 21st Word of the Day: Compassion
The word for Today is Compassionate. This word stands with strong resolve against the bullying words of "cry-baby" and "over-sensitive"
Compassionate is a great word because not only does it cover the fact that its OK to get emotional it also reminds me to be compassionate with myself.
I am resilient, resourceful, with strong resolve, and I have lots of compassion.
Oct 20th Word of the Day: Resourceful
I'm like a combat soldier. I got my boots on. Sending in happy troops to fend off the depression invasion. I'm armed with positive words to describe myself every time I start thinking the negative words. This Weekend, "Falling Apart" met RESILIENT!!! I am very much resilient. It's a great word. Monday's Word for "stubborn" and the very nasty "incorrigible" is RESOLVE. I have resolve.
Today's word Resourceful. That one fends off "flaky" "lame" "lazy" and "incompetent." I am RESOURCEFUL!
Today's word Resourceful. That one fends off "flaky" "lame" "lazy" and "incompetent." I am RESOURCEFUL!
Why I need this Blog, and what I hope to get out of it.
Welcome to Auntie Depressant.
This is a warm safe place to relax and hopefully find a little relief from the darker sad and painful places that plague all of us.
Everyone has bad days and sad days and some days are worse than others. I like many have been struggling with Depression and Anxiety which does't just make for a bad day or a bad week or even a bad month, it is a day to day struggle.
Except that there are many many good days. And on the good days its easy to forget all I have to do to get through the bad ones.
But I do get through them.
I have each time.
I will again.
So I thought I'd build this blog to keep some tools to help me get through my current depressive episode. And at happier times to place pieces of inspiration and kitten pictures for feel good days.
So to begin with I'm currently working on a lexicon of positive words to tell myself in order to fend against the constant flow of negative things I tell myself all the time.
I started earlier this week before I created this blog so I'm going to re-post the earlier days words from Facebook, And then each week day I'll add a new word.
Feel free to add your own words, or post tips or encouragements.
Feel free to share your own struggles and recieve validation that it will eventually be ok.
but I don't feed trolls, so if a post makes me uncomfortable I'll delete and block.
This is a warm safe place to relax and hopefully find a little relief from the darker sad and painful places that plague all of us.
Everyone has bad days and sad days and some days are worse than others. I like many have been struggling with Depression and Anxiety which does't just make for a bad day or a bad week or even a bad month, it is a day to day struggle.
Except that there are many many good days. And on the good days its easy to forget all I have to do to get through the bad ones.
But I do get through them.
I have each time.
I will again.
So I thought I'd build this blog to keep some tools to help me get through my current depressive episode. And at happier times to place pieces of inspiration and kitten pictures for feel good days.
So to begin with I'm currently working on a lexicon of positive words to tell myself in order to fend against the constant flow of negative things I tell myself all the time.
I started earlier this week before I created this blog so I'm going to re-post the earlier days words from Facebook, And then each week day I'll add a new word.
Feel free to add your own words, or post tips or encouragements.
Feel free to share your own struggles and recieve validation that it will eventually be ok.
but I don't feed trolls, so if a post makes me uncomfortable I'll delete and block.
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