Oct 27th Word of the Day: Agent

Agent. That's a strange word of the day isn't it?

Let me preface this a little.
Yesterday was employee reviews at work and the train of Suck was having a field day.
Sunday I did a social thing to purposely try and outreach and felt exposed, a little rejected and came back home nursing emotional wounds.  Depression makes me way over sensitive, it distorts my experience in the worse possible way so no. No one deliberately rejected me, and all the social people at the event were nice and friendly. It maybe hard to understand but depression takes any slight and makes it a conformation for the Train of Suck.
Friday is my annual Halloween Party and I'm afraid it will be awkward, tense and unfun.  Worse I'll be responsible for my family being unhappy. The train of Suck is LOVING this.

Now my normal advice is to be patient with myself.

But here's the thing. I am patient with myself the whole time.  Its like telling someone whose driving WITH the break on to slow down.  What do you mean be Patient?  Do you see how I'm not flipping out? Do you see how I'm not curled into a ball weeping all day? Do you see me waiting through days of suck clinging to the fragile belief that tomorrow I'll feel better??? That's me exerting Patience. So don't tell a depressed person to be patient. It pisses us off. (Frickin patience)

So yeah. Patience is not going to be a word for the day, Or a tool for the tool box.  For me, if your depressed, if you among the walking wounded, if your putting on the everyday face while inside you just want to cry ALL THE TIME. Then you are already practicing patience.  you don't need patience. You need Agency.

Let me give you the link here:
Agent
I started on a thesaurus looking up a synonym for the word patient. So many words I'm not going to use there.  Agent is the opposite of patient.  I'm like whah...So I looked up Agent and I knew that was the word for the day.

Definition #2 - a person or thing that acts or has the power to act.

If your like me, Depression hits you and begins to erode you.  Like your made of salt and the tides rushing in.  It tries to make you forget your Agency.  You have power. Depression doesn't have any power.  Its a leech sucking away at you and those times you feel crushed under it, you feel powerless and can't do anything because the depression is too strong.  That's your strength depression is using, Its holding you down with your own strength,

Lets think about that shall we?
We are all Agents.  We all have the power to act, to move, to be.  Depression has none until it siphons off our own power to feed itself and make us feel weak. But the whole time its doing it, its still just borrowing your own power. It takes away our agency.  But we are still agents of our own power and we can take that power back.

So when you feel depression holding you down FEEL that.  That's your strength, that's how strong you are. Then remind yourself say it out loud if you have to.  I am the Agent of my own power. Not depression, and I am taking my power back.

Patience- meh- Give me Agency any day!

Smell of the Day: Peanut butter
Sound of the Day: Airplane passing overhead.