This has been the first week I have used the Cognitive Therapy Positive words to combat the negative train of suck that constantly runs me down.
Everyone's depression is different. For mine I feel I guess ashamed all the time. The first words out of my mouth are "I'm sorry." and the thing is I don't even know what I did. So I tell myself what I did. I tell myself how I'm falling apart, how I suck, how I'm dirty and repulsive and lame and lazy and such a looser. I've got bad blood in me from evil people. I'm never going to be any good and everyone I trick into liking me I'm actually making suffer the burden of being around me.
And if you know me then your likely like- but Kat that's crazy, See I tell myself that too. I get to tell myself I'm crazy.
The storm inside the waves and crashes of empty, of ache, of dread, of grief, and deep deep sadness thrive on all those negative thoughts, and they run through my head regularly.
This week Ive been blocking those thoughts but where as the train of suck runs on its own power I have to actively stop and think the positive blocking words.
SO to begin with that feeling of always falling apart- I have resilient.
Yes I fall apart but I get back up, I am resilient.
and somehow that takes the sting of failure away. Like its ok to feel shaky and uncertain and sad, I'm strong enough to take it and spring back up.
I then chose Resplendent but it doesn't feel true, which actually makes it work really well against grotesque. If I can't BE resplendent, how could I actually be grotesque? Both words are too big for me. Grotesque disappeared this week and I haven't heard/thought it since.
Charismatic was a really important word and has been very effective because I am fat. I am in my 40s. Which generates a lot of negativity based on my physical properties, but I am also charismatic which cancels out physical flaws because people like what they like when charisma is involved. Charisma is a blind lover of beauty. So I see my reflecting anf think- your fat and ugly- and then stop and rethink AND Charismatic so there! And I stick my tongue out at the suck train.
Which leads me to the word Resourceful. Because when your Depressed all the time you can't do things you want to do, you just don't have it in you so you barely do the things you need to do, and find creative ways to do other things. This word is not a word blocker exactly, but it helps rebuild my self esteem. Ok so maybe I am depressed but I still get things done, just differently. Because I am resourceful.
Compassion is such an important word because I really feel bad for other people alot. And I tend to give other people much more forgivenss then I give myself because they are going through things. But I'm going through things too. It just feels like Im going through them all the time. (which is not true but even if it was...) I need to remember to be as compassionate with myself as I am to other people.
Friday I added the word Perspective. Perpective is more of a tool than a blocking work. Its a tool versus the anxiety as well as the depression. When I relive the awkward moment I want to beat myself up with I need to use Perspective at that moment and rethink what was going on with some important things in mind.
1. How many Adults were participating in the awkward?
2. What was actually said (no guessing their thoughts. Depression makes a bad guesser)
3. What else may have contributed to the awkward?
These are the steps involved in getting perspective. Perspective forces me to reduce the amount personal responsibility in social events. Otherwise I walk away feeling very ashamed and guilty and blaming myself for the entire awkward.
Because of these words and tools I feel much more centered today. I woke up and even made breakfast for my husband which is something I haven't been able to do in a long time. And here I am blogging about it. I'm giving myself permission to take time to do something I want to do.
I feel that these tools and words are successful.
These week:
I have an Employee Review happening tomorrow. I have a lot of anxiety about that
Wednesday is game night and I'd really like to go and have fun social gaming time.
Thursday is my Therapy session.
Saturday is Halloween Trick or Treat night for our boro. So Halloween party. Lots to be excited for but also be overwhelmed about.
Goals: right now I'd be happy if I can keep up with a word for the day for Monday through Friday, and keep giving myself time to Auntie Depress. I think those are reasonable goals for this week.
Scent of the day: buttered toast.
Sound of the day: cat lapping up water.
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