Ambition is an excellent word. Its an excellent trait to have but for the depressed Ambition can be used by depression to self-inflict negativity, when in reality it is a powerful and positive sign of healing.
Let me explain.
When you are in the thick of a depressed episode, what do you want to do? Nothing. What do you feel capable of doing? Nothing. Wants, desires, previous interests all wither in the depressed fog. They become the single desire to stop feeling this way, to be someone else, to be stable, and please please please let nobody notice how bad I am right now.
And then there are days that you wake up thinking...I could make cookies. Or after work I think I'll do some laundry. Maybe I can write a story.
These impulses are ambitions. And just having them is enough. Having ambition when you are depressed is like the sprig of a new flower poking up from the dirt. There is something inside that is not ache and failure.
Depending on what point of your depression you are in, you are not likely to write that story, or do that laundry or make those cookies.
And that's when ambition can be used by the Train of Suck to hurt you. Depression will start shouting that you suck because you couldn't even write a lousy story, eating your baked cookies while the laundry spins through a cycle...your so lame chuga-chuga-chug.
Depression needs to make that noise because the truth is you're having wants, hopes and dreams again. Ambition is a sign that your winning your fight against depression. You won by simply feeling for the briefest of moments that you could do something other than be depressed.
Ambition is excellent. It works with Agency. It's a sign that you are stronger than the depression your fighting, and that you are already winning.
So the next time you start feeling bad because you hoped to be able to do a thing, but you just didn't have it in you, remind yourself that wanting is enough right now. It means you have ambition. It means you already winning.
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