Dec 11th Word of the Day: Should

Should and its twin Shouldn't are very sneaky agents of Depression.

I may need to put up wanted posters of these nefarious words.

Do not be fooled by their innocent visage - the twins Should and Shouldn't are like Hansel & Gretel. When I use them they make me feel like a witch and then toss me in an oven to burn for the things I didn't do.

Every time Should crosses my lips I'm judging myself.  

I use it and think it after I've already done a THING.

I Should have known better, Should have been prepared, Should have been more adult. Should be More and Better, and NOT whatever it is I am right now.

Every Should is a Shiv.  They even sound the same. Shivs that are shoved into my already wounded esteem to chip and stab.

Should means that AM is not good enough.

Now I know you can use should and shouldn't in a helpful manner. "You should turn down grove street rather than taking pine street because the bridge on cypress is now open and closer to home."  See thats helpful. but thats not how I use should.  I use should when I'm already crossing the pine street bridge feeling anxious and late, and then the thought hits me "You should have used the cypress bridge now your going to be late." there is nothing I can do about that now.  so not only do I feel anxious I also get to blame myself for not being smarter or wiser or whatever.

How about this—I'm depressed, I'm tired from a full day of work, I'm finally resting in my chair. "you should decorate the house. you should clean. you should make christmas cookies..."

See what I'm doing here? I'm attacking myself and not letting myself Replenish.
If I were to tell myself "your not good enough." I could just give myself the finger and be done with it. Instead I use Should, suddenly I'm feeling like I'm not good enough.  and the train of suck is back in my head just like that to run me down.

So be wary of Should.  It's not your friend. Its not innocent or wise.  It's another way to judge yourself and find yourself wanting. it's another way to never be good enough.

When you find yourself using should stop in your tracks.

Just stop.

Recognize that you are enough.

Recognize that whatever it is you were about to say using Should is hurtful.

Recognize you are flawed and imperfect and Good Enough.

In fact, say that.

"I should have...-but thats ok because this is good enough. I am good enough."  Block that self harm with some self truth.  What ever your doing, what ever you can manage, is good enough.

You are the best you there ever was and ever will be. Nobody can be you like you can. Nobody can be you better. So You are ALWAYS going to be good enough.

Remember to love yourself today.  I love you even if its hard to do (especially if its hard to do.)

Smell of the day: Peppermint Altoid breath.
Sound of the day: soft click of the mouse's scroll wheel.