Its beating the crap out of me.
sometimes my depression gets me like a dream 10 minutes after I've woken. I know there was stuff. Like I know I have words and reasons, but I've forgotten them. I just know the sadness.
Its familiar. Its hard to remember to fight.
I mean I will. and I am,
but I don't know if its just December because this has been a regularly tough month.
I can't seem to find my rhythm. Decorating, holiday prep. it feels a little overwhelming and I just can't seem to push myself- which is terrible because I have family in the house, and I'll regret not making an effort.
But I'm just tired. and sad.
So I know I'm not allowed to wallow.
and I have tools. and words and reasons.
I have fight in me.
Just not today.
that has to be ok, because sometimes just getting through is the best I can do.
So if I loved me, like I'm trying to love me, I'd tell me this:
December is full of depression land minds. There are hidden expectations and a count down. Count downs are anxious making.
You are lovely. The best gift you can give your family is taking as much time as you need to deal with those feelings. It will be ok. Ask for help. Ask for hugs. Remember the key to self soothing is in the senses. Feel soft things, smell roses, taste honey and listen to music. You don't need to impress anyone.
If your reading this and finding December hard, your not alone. Depression makes us feel isolated. I get you. Your going to be ok. I am too. Maybe tomorrow we can both find a happy.
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