Nov 13 Words of the Day: Control & Trust

Let's talk about Control and Trust.

Both words are such a big words for me I may need to talk about them more than once.

Control first. Always. I am a controlling person. There are many kinds of controlling persons. Some people seek to control to feel powerful or even to hurt others.  Thats not me.  I merely seek self preservation.  It's like my life depends on having it. So when its taken from me it feels devastating.

So once upon a time bad person did thing X to me when I was very young and because Bad person was an adult and I was very young I had absolutely no control over my own body or any way to make thing X stop or to get Bad Person to stop.

This story repeats itself at different times with Different people stepping in for Bad Person. Different unpleasant things swapping out for thing X and different young ages of me.

Thats why one of my root anxieties is warped and wrapped around having control of my environment. I don't control because I want anything from other people. I don't control because I want power I need control because I never want to get hurt again.

And even though I've gotten old enough and big enough that I don't have to worry about it. I'm set up to worry about it.

Control is a mechanism to keep me safe.  When I let go of that control I start to panic.  I literally feel unsafe and I can't tell you why.  My anxiety goes up and then I feel like everything is falling apart.

let me put it another way:
If your in a car and your friend is driving and there is an accident which puts you in the hospital...you might be a little leery of that friend then offering to pick you up.

You are all my friends.  The world is an accident waiting to happen.

This is where Trust comes in.

When I voluntarily give up control. I am trusting that I am not going to get hurt. I am putting my faith in someone other than me.  And its a big deal.  Its not an easy thing to do.

The more I practice trust, and the more nothing bad happens the easier trusting becomes and the more relaxed I can be. The anxiety starts to go away. If I trust enough I believe I could banish that anxiety completely.

Thats a place I want to get to.

The thing I wanted to express is that Control is a shield. A weapon of war.

But Trust is a tool, and an important one.  Because when I'm in my darkest place I'm afraid to trust anyone.  But what I need to tell myself is that Trust is also a muscle, it atrophies when unused, and gets stronger the more you use it.

Take that first step. Find someone you might be able to trust and let down your defenses, be vulnerable. The world will keep spinning and it will get a little easier to trust more tomorrow.

Depression tells you your all alone, wears you down and devours you.  But you are not alone. You just need to trust the people around you.  Trust me. :)

Sound of the day: Ice machine cubes filling a plastic cup.
Smell of the day: freshly sliced strawberries