In kindergarten we get taught the idea that the opposite of Good is Bad, and the opposite of bad is good, and its a shame we get taught good and bad that way because its like saying the opposite of Banana is Apple.
Good and Bad describe preferences, judgements, values and feelings. Not only are there better words to describe these things, but both Good and Bad are like balls of glue, a lot of crap gets stuck to them.
If I am not Good am I Bad? If I am Bad does that mean I am also not good? Can I be both good and bad at the same time? I am often both at the same time.
When I'm depressed and Im not weepy, I'm Good. But I'm also Bad. I feel bad. Sometimes I don't feel Bad but that doesn't mean I suddenly feel good. I just feel not-bad. Or Im happy and depressed at the same time, smiling and joking and playful and very very sad inside. I'm not-good but I'm not Bad. I need better words.
Then there is the whole feeling good enough thing, Im working on. Cause not feeling Good enough made me believe I was Bad. This "Good Enough" virus in my system is pernicious as well as deep rooted.
If I understood Good and Bad better then maybe I wouldn't need to be "Good Enough" because being Bad isn't so bad and is no longer the opposite of Good.
First I feel bad almost everyday.
Getting up in the morning. Body aches reminding me I'm unhealthy and there for bad. Take my morning pills because I'm older and my body is not good therefor bad. Mirror-fat=bad. Clothes to wear-didn't feel up to putting clothes away so there are still in the basket = bad wife, bad house keeping. These days giving the cats the morning treats, Basil...Bad cat owner. Bad person. Kitchen make breakfast-kitchen messy=Bad bad housekeeping. lazy bad. Make lunch to save a little money = good try. Bad food choices. Bad.
Before work I'm calling myself Bad many many times. If there is any complication at work. Bad. By the time work is over sometimes I just want to crawl into bed. Because Lazy bad bad.
But if I used other words-
Getting up in the morning I ache because I'm older and the aches are there to remind me not to act like a young-un. Take my morning pills because the miracle of science is helping me live longer. Dig for clothes in the laundry basket because I have matured to the point where clean clothes are in baskets when I'm not feeling up to putting them away. Give the cats their morning treats and count them grateful for their responsive love, Its ok to feel bad over Basil's condition. Feel bittersweet about giving him extra wet food, what ever he likes for as long as we have left with him. Grab breakfast and lunch on the way to work, yes the kitchen is messy, but its serving 4 adults and 2 babies, one of the adults is preggers, smile thinking of how much I love my daughter. Deal with complications at work as they come because I adapt well. There doesn't have to be any Badness here.
It seems to be a matter of forcing a perspective change. That does take energy but my default is also leeching energy so if Im going to feel tired anyway I might as well try forcing the better perspective.
The thing I do know is that the new words from the word of the day are working and that there are parts of my esteem, parts that help me to be a happier person that have atrophied from my default depression thinking. The words are exercises and they are hard to want to do, but looking them over and using them makes me feel better.
My lows aren't quite as low as they have been. I think I might be getting stronger inside.
That would be good.
Sound of the day: chime notification sound of new mail
smell of the day: left over chili and cornbread from lunch
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