Dear Depression,
I know your feeling neglected. No one can see you inside me. It's Christmas and therefore I need to seem cheerful and happy. But I know you're there. You are not alone this season.
Even if the commercialism of the shopping season wasn't subtly (and not so subtly) telling everyone that more equals love, so spend more, get more and show your love.
Extended family time after a while presses against old emotional bruising and makes new ones. Swallowing anger, annoyance, anxiety for the sake of family is stressful.
I know your afraid. your efforts aren't going to be good enough. And that's because I never feel good enough.
But I've learned that many of the things I'd do to soothe those "not good enough" feelings would actually made me feel more stressed anxious in the long run because they were based on the idea that there was something I could do to suddenly and magically become good enough.
Think of it this way. Some people don't like marshmallow. (I know right?) you can't give them marshmallows in disguise and suddenly their feeling of not liking marshmallows is going to go away. It's just the way they feel. It's nothing you do.
Ok, I know your about to say be sometimes people change and they like something they didn't before.
So now your wondering why I'm smiling Depression. Because it's a very hopeful thing.
It means one day maybe I'll change the way I feel about me. See if anyone else gives me love its like me giving them marshmallows. if they aren't open to change, if they just really don't want marshmallows then nothing I can do with marshmallows will change their feelings.
And lets look at my family shall we? How much love radiates from them towards me? If being loved enough could change me then wouldn't Michael's first kiss have cured me? Or his last kiss this morning? Or Babyboy telling me he loves his Mommom? Or Dalys? Or My Mom? Can you see all that love like piled like a mountain of marshmallows? and yet here I am day after day still not feeling good enough.
Thats because I need to change the way I feel about myself, Depression. I need to believe I am good enough.
It's easier to believe in Santa Claus. (which face it, you know down deep I love believing that the love that we feel for our fellow human beings can manifest miracles - including a certain the mysterious appearance of a certain elderly fellow - giving what is needed to those in desperate need ...just saying)
But my Christmas gift to us, Depression, is to open myself to believe I could be good enough. It's not as easy as flipping a switch because I really don't like myself. So to start I need to embrace my imperfections. Thats going to take lots of practice.
We are going to start by celebrating the imperfections of the holiday.
Imperfections are awesome. they lead to adventures, discoveries and hilarious stories to be told later.
So, You and me Depression, we are going to wrap those presents well, but no longer perfectly. We will bake those cookies well, and notice how imperfect cookies taste and make the house smell. This holiday is going to be full of imperfections. Don't try and hide them or from them, laugh at them and include them in everything.
And remember, I love you.
sound of the day: Codec by Zed
smell of the day: scotch tape
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Friday, December 11, 2015
Dec 11th Word of the Day: Should
Should and its twin Shouldn't are very sneaky agents of Depression.
I may need to put up wanted posters of these nefarious words.
Do not be fooled by their innocent visage - the twins Should and Shouldn't are like Hansel & Gretel. When I use them they make me feel like a witch and then toss me in an oven to burn for the things I didn't do.
Every time Should crosses my lips I'm judging myself.
I use it and think it after I've already done a THING.
I Should have known better, Should have been prepared, Should have been more adult. Should be More and Better, and NOT whatever it is I am right now.
Every Should is a Shiv. They even sound the same. Shivs that are shoved into my already wounded esteem to chip and stab.
Should means that AM is not good enough.
Now I know you can use should and shouldn't in a helpful manner. "You should turn down grove street rather than taking pine street because the bridge on cypress is now open and closer to home." See thats helpful. but thats not how I use should. I use should when I'm already crossing the pine street bridge feeling anxious and late, and then the thought hits me "You should have used the cypress bridge now your going to be late." there is nothing I can do about that now. so not only do I feel anxious I also get to blame myself for not being smarter or wiser or whatever.
How about this—I'm depressed, I'm tired from a full day of work, I'm finally resting in my chair. "you should decorate the house. you should clean. you should make christmas cookies..."
See what I'm doing here? I'm attacking myself and not letting myself Replenish.
If I were to tell myself "your not good enough." I could just give myself the finger and be done with it. Instead I use Should, suddenly I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. and the train of suck is back in my head just like that to run me down.
So be wary of Should. It's not your friend. Its not innocent or wise. It's another way to judge yourself and find yourself wanting. it's another way to never be good enough.
When you find yourself using should stop in your tracks.
Just stop.
Recognize that you are enough.
Recognize that whatever it is you were about to say using Should is hurtful.
Recognize you are flawed and imperfect and Good Enough.
In fact, say that.
"I should have...-but thats ok because this is good enough. I am good enough." Block that self harm with some self truth. What ever your doing, what ever you can manage, is good enough.
You are the best you there ever was and ever will be. Nobody can be you like you can. Nobody can be you better. So You are ALWAYS going to be good enough.
Remember to love yourself today. I love you even if its hard to do (especially if its hard to do.)
Smell of the day: Peppermint Altoid breath.
Sound of the day: soft click of the mouse's scroll wheel.
I may need to put up wanted posters of these nefarious words.
Do not be fooled by their innocent visage - the twins Should and Shouldn't are like Hansel & Gretel. When I use them they make me feel like a witch and then toss me in an oven to burn for the things I didn't do.
Every time Should crosses my lips I'm judging myself.
I use it and think it after I've already done a THING.
I Should have known better, Should have been prepared, Should have been more adult. Should be More and Better, and NOT whatever it is I am right now.
Every Should is a Shiv. They even sound the same. Shivs that are shoved into my already wounded esteem to chip and stab.
Should means that AM is not good enough.
Now I know you can use should and shouldn't in a helpful manner. "You should turn down grove street rather than taking pine street because the bridge on cypress is now open and closer to home." See thats helpful. but thats not how I use should. I use should when I'm already crossing the pine street bridge feeling anxious and late, and then the thought hits me "You should have used the cypress bridge now your going to be late." there is nothing I can do about that now. so not only do I feel anxious I also get to blame myself for not being smarter or wiser or whatever.
How about this—I'm depressed, I'm tired from a full day of work, I'm finally resting in my chair. "you should decorate the house. you should clean. you should make christmas cookies..."
See what I'm doing here? I'm attacking myself and not letting myself Replenish.
If I were to tell myself "your not good enough." I could just give myself the finger and be done with it. Instead I use Should, suddenly I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. and the train of suck is back in my head just like that to run me down.
So be wary of Should. It's not your friend. Its not innocent or wise. It's another way to judge yourself and find yourself wanting. it's another way to never be good enough.
When you find yourself using should stop in your tracks.
Just stop.
Recognize that you are enough.
Recognize that whatever it is you were about to say using Should is hurtful.
Recognize you are flawed and imperfect and Good Enough.
In fact, say that.
"I should have...-but thats ok because this is good enough. I am good enough." Block that self harm with some self truth. What ever your doing, what ever you can manage, is good enough.
You are the best you there ever was and ever will be. Nobody can be you like you can. Nobody can be you better. So You are ALWAYS going to be good enough.
Remember to love yourself today. I love you even if its hard to do (especially if its hard to do.)
Smell of the day: Peppermint Altoid breath.
Sound of the day: soft click of the mouse's scroll wheel.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Update: My December Depression
Its beating the crap out of me.
sometimes my depression gets me like a dream 10 minutes after I've woken. I know there was stuff. Like I know I have words and reasons, but I've forgotten them. I just know the sadness.
Its familiar. Its hard to remember to fight.
I mean I will. and I am,
but I don't know if its just December because this has been a regularly tough month.
I can't seem to find my rhythm. Decorating, holiday prep. it feels a little overwhelming and I just can't seem to push myself- which is terrible because I have family in the house, and I'll regret not making an effort.
But I'm just tired. and sad.
So I know I'm not allowed to wallow.
and I have tools. and words and reasons.
I have fight in me.
Just not today.
that has to be ok, because sometimes just getting through is the best I can do.
So if I loved me, like I'm trying to love me, I'd tell me this:
December is full of depression land minds. There are hidden expectations and a count down. Count downs are anxious making.
You are lovely. The best gift you can give your family is taking as much time as you need to deal with those feelings. It will be ok. Ask for help. Ask for hugs. Remember the key to self soothing is in the senses. Feel soft things, smell roses, taste honey and listen to music. You don't need to impress anyone.
If your reading this and finding December hard, your not alone. Depression makes us feel isolated. I get you. Your going to be ok. I am too. Maybe tomorrow we can both find a happy.
sometimes my depression gets me like a dream 10 minutes after I've woken. I know there was stuff. Like I know I have words and reasons, but I've forgotten them. I just know the sadness.
Its familiar. Its hard to remember to fight.
I mean I will. and I am,
but I don't know if its just December because this has been a regularly tough month.
I can't seem to find my rhythm. Decorating, holiday prep. it feels a little overwhelming and I just can't seem to push myself- which is terrible because I have family in the house, and I'll regret not making an effort.
But I'm just tired. and sad.
So I know I'm not allowed to wallow.
and I have tools. and words and reasons.
I have fight in me.
Just not today.
that has to be ok, because sometimes just getting through is the best I can do.
So if I loved me, like I'm trying to love me, I'd tell me this:
December is full of depression land minds. There are hidden expectations and a count down. Count downs are anxious making.
You are lovely. The best gift you can give your family is taking as much time as you need to deal with those feelings. It will be ok. Ask for help. Ask for hugs. Remember the key to self soothing is in the senses. Feel soft things, smell roses, taste honey and listen to music. You don't need to impress anyone.
If your reading this and finding December hard, your not alone. Depression makes us feel isolated. I get you. Your going to be ok. I am too. Maybe tomorrow we can both find a happy.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Taking my Social Anxiety out to play.
Social Anxiety.
So I'm a gamer. It's like being a sports fan only my sport is board games, table top role playing games, live action role playing games, and multi player online role playing games. Desk top computer games. . . so most games. Kinda like the sports fan who likes basketball, hockey, football, soccer, tennis, bowling . . .because sports are fun.
The thing about being a gamer for me is that single player games, like solitaire, and computer games are less fun for me than social gaming.
But social gaming means bringing my depression and anxiety with me in front of other people. I feel like others have to be able to see my cracks, and open wounds. I feel like I'm going to let people down and I feel like they don't like me anyway.
The train of suck gets bonus miles to run me down in social situations.
But I want to be social. I want to game. While gaming my depression and anxiety are easier to ignore. Till the game is over. Then bang! "You sucked. No one really had any fun." These are the lies of the train of suck.
The trick is that when you k ow your anxiety is loud inside you, take a moment. Trust your friends. If they aren't having a good time because of you let them come to you and tell you. Trust them over your own feelings, because you already know how you're feeling is being colored by Depression and Anxiety.
Ask yourself, was it bad? No? Then it was good.
I try complimenting another player. It helps shift my mental focus off me and what I might have done wrong to them and what they did right.
Step back and replenish if you need to.
Social anxiety doesn't have to control you. Remind the train of suck that your not a mind reader, trust your friends, take time time-outs as needed. You got this.
So I'm a gamer. It's like being a sports fan only my sport is board games, table top role playing games, live action role playing games, and multi player online role playing games. Desk top computer games. . . so most games. Kinda like the sports fan who likes basketball, hockey, football, soccer, tennis, bowling . . .because sports are fun.
The thing about being a gamer for me is that single player games, like solitaire, and computer games are less fun for me than social gaming.
But social gaming means bringing my depression and anxiety with me in front of other people. I feel like others have to be able to see my cracks, and open wounds. I feel like I'm going to let people down and I feel like they don't like me anyway.
The train of suck gets bonus miles to run me down in social situations.
But I want to be social. I want to game. While gaming my depression and anxiety are easier to ignore. Till the game is over. Then bang! "You sucked. No one really had any fun." These are the lies of the train of suck.
The trick is that when you k ow your anxiety is loud inside you, take a moment. Trust your friends. If they aren't having a good time because of you let them come to you and tell you. Trust them over your own feelings, because you already know how you're feeling is being colored by Depression and Anxiety.
Ask yourself, was it bad? No? Then it was good.
I try complimenting another player. It helps shift my mental focus off me and what I might have done wrong to them and what they did right.
Step back and replenish if you need to.
Social anxiety doesn't have to control you. Remind the train of suck that your not a mind reader, trust your friends, take time time-outs as needed. You got this.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Word of the Day: Enough.
Enough.
Its a strange word. It's like Stop.
As a depressed person it becomes a source of pain when paired it with other words like Good, Pretty, or Normal. Because Good Enough, Pretty Enough, and Normal Enough are words depend on a value rating and judgement, to the depressed person the answer is always no.
I notice I'm asking myself or thinking to myself, or hoping something (say thanksgiving dinner) will be good enough and its like an unfinished sentence. I need more information.
Good enough for who?
Good enough for what?
What is supposed to happen when the elusive ENOUGH is achieved? Will there be a happy? Will I suddenly feel loved and accepted? Will I become Good/Pretty/Normal? I can't say because Enough is not achievable. And I don't think it should be.
I like being Good. If I get to good enough will I suddenly not have to be good anymore? Will I stop having to go through the effort because I'll just BE good?
Enough tells me that I'm not good right now. Enough begs me to judge myself, or use my psychic powers to determine how others have judged me. Enough is an Agent of Suck and Ive had enough of enough. So I'm going to stop using that word.
Because something happens when you remove the enough from those paired words. The questions then become: Am I Good? Am I Pretty? and Am I Normal? and those are answerable questions.
Good and pretty become even easier when you ask the opposite to answer.
Am I Good becomes Am I Bad? No? then I must be good. That was easy.
Am I Pretty becomes Am I Ugly? Yes. Really? I guess not. I'll take that as a No. So Guess what? I'm pretty.
Am I Normal. No? Ha-Trick question. Am I Normal for ME? I'm I doing anything Abnormal? No. The I'm Normal.
Will thanksgiving dinner be Good? Will it be bad? No then it will be good.
Take away the "enough"s in your life. Depression is exhausting as it is without trying to fulfill an achievable value like enough. Let the "Not Bad"s be your new definitions of Good. And maybe you can find a little Happy in your Depression.
Sound of the Day: Coat Zippers.
Smell of the Day: Fresh Cut Celery
Its a strange word. It's like Stop.
As a depressed person it becomes a source of pain when paired it with other words like Good, Pretty, or Normal. Because Good Enough, Pretty Enough, and Normal Enough are words depend on a value rating and judgement, to the depressed person the answer is always no.
I notice I'm asking myself or thinking to myself, or hoping something (say thanksgiving dinner) will be good enough and its like an unfinished sentence. I need more information.
Good enough for who?
Good enough for what?
What is supposed to happen when the elusive ENOUGH is achieved? Will there be a happy? Will I suddenly feel loved and accepted? Will I become Good/Pretty/Normal? I can't say because Enough is not achievable. And I don't think it should be.
I like being Good. If I get to good enough will I suddenly not have to be good anymore? Will I stop having to go through the effort because I'll just BE good?
Enough tells me that I'm not good right now. Enough begs me to judge myself, or use my psychic powers to determine how others have judged me. Enough is an Agent of Suck and Ive had enough of enough. So I'm going to stop using that word.
Because something happens when you remove the enough from those paired words. The questions then become: Am I Good? Am I Pretty? and Am I Normal? and those are answerable questions.
Good and pretty become even easier when you ask the opposite to answer.
Am I Good becomes Am I Bad? No? then I must be good. That was easy.
Am I Pretty becomes Am I Ugly? Yes. Really? I guess not. I'll take that as a No. So Guess what? I'm pretty.
Am I Normal. No? Ha-Trick question. Am I Normal for ME? I'm I doing anything Abnormal? No. The I'm Normal.
Will thanksgiving dinner be Good? Will it be bad? No then it will be good.
Take away the "enough"s in your life. Depression is exhausting as it is without trying to fulfill an achievable value like enough. Let the "Not Bad"s be your new definitions of Good. And maybe you can find a little Happy in your Depression.
Sound of the Day: Coat Zippers.
Smell of the Day: Fresh Cut Celery
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Holidays Depression and the Train of Suck
Thanksgiving this week.
And so it begins. The Holidays.
When your Not Depressed the Holidays can be stressful and full of expectations and desires.
Now add to that a thick self deprecating layer of soul numbing depression, trigger happy anxiety, and a healthy dose of PTSD (hush now, look away, and I'm not talking about it) and you have a recipe for SUCK. So much SUCK.
The train of Suck gets to add express lanes and lots of loud noisy cars to run me down with. Because I load that sucker up with expectations. I remember happy holidays. I need to be like that. (yeah-no I don't) there are even more expectations that I think that YOU think that I should think (Yeah...again no.)
You want to survive these holidays and maybe even catch a happy for a second or two?
Expect to be depressed.
Expect that the anxiety is going to be really bad.
Expect that your going to need to cry and to curl up and be anti-social
Because that's what a normal day is like, and under all the holiday decorations, there is a normal Thursday under thanksgiving. And so all the things you go through on the average Thursday while depressed are all going to be there
Expect to be stressed. Expect to be tired. And expect that the train of suck is waiting to tell you how you are ruining the holidays for everyone.
Your not.
All that extra pressure you feel on yourself, is being felt by everyone you are sharing the holiday with so if someone isn't happy, its got nothing to do with you. People are not at their best under stress. So take it easy on yourself.
Set your expectations small. Maybe getting through the night without having to cry is a success. Maybe just getting through the meal without crying. Set reasonable expectaions.
I want a little turkey. I want to see my sisters all together. I want a picture with Dalys and Michael. I want a nap. I want a slice of pie. I want to hold my granddaughter, I want to play with my grandson.
If enough of these little expectations happen I'll find a little happy. If all of them then I'll get a good warm holiday contentment going. Anything more is bonus. Anything less is survivable.
I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. I can't read minds, so I will take for face value whatever anyone tells me. I will ask for help when I start to sink. I will retreat if needed to take care of myself, and trust that my family will understand.
This is my action plan for the holidays. It derails the train of suck. When I get anxious I remind myself. small expectations. look over the plan. If I need to cry its ok.
If your depressed its ok. You've got this. Its just another thursday. and remember I love you.
smell of the day: Shampooed hair
Sound of the day: Sia singing "Cloud"
And so it begins. The Holidays.
When your Not Depressed the Holidays can be stressful and full of expectations and desires.
Now add to that a thick self deprecating layer of soul numbing depression, trigger happy anxiety, and a healthy dose of PTSD (hush now, look away, and I'm not talking about it) and you have a recipe for SUCK. So much SUCK.
The train of Suck gets to add express lanes and lots of loud noisy cars to run me down with. Because I load that sucker up with expectations. I remember happy holidays. I need to be like that. (yeah-no I don't) there are even more expectations that I think that YOU think that I should think (Yeah...again no.)
You want to survive these holidays and maybe even catch a happy for a second or two?
Expect to be depressed.
Expect that the anxiety is going to be really bad.
Expect that your going to need to cry and to curl up and be anti-social
Because that's what a normal day is like, and under all the holiday decorations, there is a normal Thursday under thanksgiving. And so all the things you go through on the average Thursday while depressed are all going to be there
Expect to be stressed. Expect to be tired. And expect that the train of suck is waiting to tell you how you are ruining the holidays for everyone.
Your not.
All that extra pressure you feel on yourself, is being felt by everyone you are sharing the holiday with so if someone isn't happy, its got nothing to do with you. People are not at their best under stress. So take it easy on yourself.
Set your expectations small. Maybe getting through the night without having to cry is a success. Maybe just getting through the meal without crying. Set reasonable expectaions.
I want a little turkey. I want to see my sisters all together. I want a picture with Dalys and Michael. I want a nap. I want a slice of pie. I want to hold my granddaughter, I want to play with my grandson.
If enough of these little expectations happen I'll find a little happy. If all of them then I'll get a good warm holiday contentment going. Anything more is bonus. Anything less is survivable.
I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. I can't read minds, so I will take for face value whatever anyone tells me. I will ask for help when I start to sink. I will retreat if needed to take care of myself, and trust that my family will understand.
This is my action plan for the holidays. It derails the train of suck. When I get anxious I remind myself. small expectations. look over the plan. If I need to cry its ok.
If your depressed its ok. You've got this. Its just another thursday. and remember I love you.
smell of the day: Shampooed hair
Sound of the day: Sia singing "Cloud"
Monday, November 16, 2015
Trigger Happy
You are feeling good. Things are looking more positive. Maybe you are even sleepiong better, more relaxed. Depression is losing the fight and starting to recede again. And then?
Maybe it was something you read, a movie you saw, a friend or family member not sure if they should tell you this but...
Suddenly your back to feeling fragile, hopeless, tired and depressed.
Or if you suffer from ptsd like I do (thanks Dad) your trip wire sent you a surge of fear-panic.
What now?
Likely the Train of Suck has just refueled and is telling you what a loser you are, and how your never going to be normal an no one wants to be around you.
What that train is not going to tell you is to just take a moment and breathe.
You are here because you have already acknowledged and accepted the fact that you have Depression. So how can you possibly suck if your suddenly depressed again. My train likes to tell me that Im not good at anything, but Heck I'm great at being depressed.
What kind of negativity is your train hitting you with? Look over your list of positive wood tools. Take the wheels of that train.
You are going to have setbacks. you are going to be triggered and you are going to need to retreat and replenish, rest, recover.
The thing is you are also going to get back up again. Don't let this current feeling erase the fact that before you got triggered you were feeling good. You are capable of feeling better, and will feel better again.
Practice trust. Find someone who knows you struggle with depression. Let them know what your going through right now. You don't have to feel alone in your depression. There are people who care.
I care.
Smell of the day: warm bread
Sound of the day: Hand held hair dryer
Maybe it was something you read, a movie you saw, a friend or family member not sure if they should tell you this but...
Suddenly your back to feeling fragile, hopeless, tired and depressed.
Or if you suffer from ptsd like I do (thanks Dad) your trip wire sent you a surge of fear-panic.
What now?
Likely the Train of Suck has just refueled and is telling you what a loser you are, and how your never going to be normal an no one wants to be around you.
What that train is not going to tell you is to just take a moment and breathe.
You are here because you have already acknowledged and accepted the fact that you have Depression. So how can you possibly suck if your suddenly depressed again. My train likes to tell me that Im not good at anything, but Heck I'm great at being depressed.
What kind of negativity is your train hitting you with? Look over your list of positive wood tools. Take the wheels of that train.
You are going to have setbacks. you are going to be triggered and you are going to need to retreat and replenish, rest, recover.
The thing is you are also going to get back up again. Don't let this current feeling erase the fact that before you got triggered you were feeling good. You are capable of feeling better, and will feel better again.
Practice trust. Find someone who knows you struggle with depression. Let them know what your going through right now. You don't have to feel alone in your depression. There are people who care.
I care.
Smell of the day: warm bread
Sound of the day: Hand held hair dryer
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